I've resisted posting on this subject. I mean, how honest and upfront do I really need to be on my blog? How much should I share? There are some parts of my life I should keep to myself - right? But then, sometimes, there are things that take up so much of your mind-space that to not write them, to not get them out there, distracts you from saying anything else. So, here it is.
two years to fall pregnant with Abbey. Two years not knowing if it would ever happen, two years of doctors and medication, two years of keeping this secret to ourselves, two years of facing THAT question ('When are you going to have a baby?'), two years of laughing it off. My standard responses were, 'I'm only young, there's plenty of time!', 'Oh, one day, there's no rush!', 'We're having too much fun to be tied down with a baby!', 'I'm too busy for that'. Two years of hearing those lies come out of my mouth.
And now, here we are, trying for baby number two.
There are a couple of big differences this time around. I KNOW I can have children now, I know I have my beautiful girl and I can live without another if need be, I know there is a go-to medication that is very likely to work again. And I know that keeping it a secret from everyone doesn't make it easier.
I also know that being honest about it - when the question, 'Are you going to have another?' is asked, I tell people we're trying - doesn't stop the stupid comments exiting my mouth. 'A big age gap doesn't bother me!', 'There's no rush!', 'I'm still young!', 'My hands are full with a toddler!' and so on.
The truth is, I haven't taken contraception for over a year and a half. The truth is, my body is not as broken as it once was - but it still doesn't work. And I've discovered that, even though there are some major differences this second time around, the emotions are exactly the same.
I have myself to blame in some ways. I decided early on that I didn't want to take that medication again - it made me feel nauseous every day, it's strong medication - so I've been seeking other options. I've gone down the path of trying to do it all naturally.
And then, at the sight of yet another negative pregnancy test, something clicked.
I have this theory with childbirth - sure, it's great if you can do it naturally but at the end of it all you just want a healthy baby and a healthy mum. Things can happen unexpectedly, you have no idea how it will be, and you make the best decisions you can at that point in time. The happy ending is what matters, not the story.
And so it is the same with trying to conceive. Have I ever regretted taking medication to fall pregnant with Abbey? No, not even for a millionth of a second. The minute I saw that positive pregnancy test, the moment she came into our lives, any concern over whether it was the right thing disappeared forever.
Tomorrow, I'm heading off to get myself a referral.
It's time to finish this story with a happy ending.
(Disclaimer: I know how lucky I am in so many ways - to have my little girl, to know that I have options, to not have suffered loss. There are so many who have gone through more in their efforts to be parents. But, trying to conceive is a tough, emotional, heart-wrenching road - and this is my story. Take two.)