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| It's going to be a looooong day |
We never co-slept when Abbey was a baby; she was in her cot from day one. Some parents hate the thought of their baby being in a room alone, in a big cot, so young - but I loved it. I recognised very early on that I needed my own space, and having that time while Abbey was asleep meant I could be a better parent when she was awake.
Middle of the night feeds (although short-lived - don't hate me), I got up for, preferring to be fully awake and then have good quality sleep when it was over.
So baby co-sleeping wasn't done here.
But somewhere between teething and toddlerhood, that message got lost. She'd wake in the middle of the night and walk to our room, and a very tired Steve would help her climb into our bed. I'm no help - I sleep through her waking. But once she's in our bed, it's a different story.
Neither Steve nor I sleep while she's there. The minute one of us begins to nod off, there comes a kick or a roll over that pushes us to the very edge of the bed. And you're left hanging there, not wanting to push her over and wake her. I lie there hoping that her being so close next to me means Steve will be able to fall asleep, and then spend the next few hours alternately worrying about random things that seem important but that I don't even remember in the morning, and checking the clock to lament how many hours it will be until she'll wake.
It's that limbo state between sleep and awake. Not asleep enough to be rested, but not awake enough to have a logical thought, like: Just get up and put her into her own bed and then we'll all get some sleep.
A couple of months ago, Steve and I realised she ended up in our bed most nights and we were falling into this cycle of tiredness. So we called an end to it, and I asked Steve to wake me when Abbey woke and I'd take her back to bed and stay up to deal with any fuss that incurred. A short-term struggle for the long-term aim of sleep. Glorious sleep.
It was done, and it worked well. But the odd night of lazily and sleepily letting her into our bed throws our lives into chaos.
Steve has to go to work, and it's worrying thinking about him being so tired when he works up ladders, with sharp blades and dangerous materials, and often has to drive a fair distance from home.
And me, well, it's hard to be a good parent when you're exhausted. Any parent will attest to that (and many know sleep deprivation far worse than I've experienced). I spend the day biting my tongue, trying to talk nicely to my well-rested, energetic daughter, angry at myself for not waking and putting her back to bed, irrationally angry at Steve for not waking me to put her back to bed, and feeling sorry for myself that I have a toddler who doesn't nap.
Co-sleeping? Yep, I hate it.
Do you, or did you, co-sleep? Love it or hate it? And does anyone actually manage to get a good night's sleep with a child in their bed?
29 comments:
Oh, great topic, and I am all over the place with this one!
We were never going to do the co-sleeping thing either. And that worked perfectly with our 6 year old boy. He would never sleep in our bed anyway, and if he woke at night he'd call for me rather than get out himself and come to us...still does and he did it last night!
Our 3 year old, on the other hand, does just what Abbey does. She went through a long phase of sleeping all night in her bed, but it's over. She comes into our bed almost every night and she's getting big...nearly 4! Most nights I struggle with staying ON the bed, and some nights...like last night (AGAIN) I got up and slept in her bed (until the 6yo called me that is).
*sigh* Yeah...I'm hearing you!!
Our 13 months old slept in his cot from day 1 (well technically day 5 coming home from hospital). Teething has been our biggest challenge at night of late. First molar just cut through and I have found when I am feeling too tired and lazy to resettle him in his cot (plus it's cold right now), I have been bringing him into our bed and experiencing the same issues you described. No one ends up getting a decent sleep. Your post has reminded me to persist with the cot settling. 30 mins sitting by his cot is way better than hours of interupted and poor (if any sleep).
As you know, I'm all about the co-sleeping. It has worked really well for us. Doing it with Piper has meant that I feel well rested instead of sleep deprived - particularly in this stage where she's still breastfeeding regularly at night. I don't have to get her back to sleep so it's really easy.
Riley mostly stays in her bed for the full night but sometimes (like last night) she still comes in. She's been sick and she gets really out of sorts when she has a blocked nose.
Luckily we have a bed big enough for it! And because she can sleep with us I don't have to get up, risk waking the baby, get Riley back to sleep and then go back to sleep myself.
Although Riley will tend to thrash around a bit when she's going to sleep she hardly moves when she sleeps so we all get a pretty good sleep. And the husband loves being able to see them for a bit in the morning when he leaves before dawn to go to work.
But I totally understand it's not for everyone.
Co sleeping is a magic solution for us, that rather than keep Mr H up all ight listening to a screaming baby, provided him with full nights sleep from day one as Immy co slept with us.
I actually wonder if those of us that co sleep all learn a way to do this somehow. Both our girls can lie pretty still and straight and allow for everyone to have a reasonable sleep. Not that they are in so much these days.
The problem is when they both come in, they both want to be next to me. And even in sleep mode they seem to know if I have shoved them both over. Thankfully it isn't too often.
I'm in admiration of people like Claire & Zoey who find it restful...I'm with you Megan, I can't stand it. It makes me sleep worse than if I have to get up in the middle of the night. Sometimes I admit I have fallen asleep on the Bebito's bedroom floor as I was resettling him but co-sleeping makes us grown ups grumpy so we don't do it unless absolutely necessary.
Every morning when I wake up I do a quick scan of my bed to see who is in it. The other night I woke up to find my husband's feet in my face, our 2.5 year old rolled in a ball at my feet and my 4yo sleeping soundly with her head on my husband's pillow. The baby was in her cot, luckily she can't walk yet. We are seriously considering getting a king sized bed! I do tend to sleep through it all, but would much rather to sleep with just my husband, if you get what I mean (nudge nudge wink wink!!). Every one has to do what is best for them!
Thank you for your honesty!
Each to their own - and I really admire those who see the 'romance' in co sleeping - but I definitely don't see it.
It might be my personality type or own insomnia issues - but there is no way Magoo is welcome in our bed before 6am.
I often feel guilty that I'm not the 'earth mamma' who happily spends every waking & sleeping second attached to her child - and often by the breast.
But every family finds what works for them. Seperate parent/child sleeping quarters are for us!!
Magoo is now so into that way that he would never fall asleep in our bed anyway - he thinks it's a cuddles and play zone.
I hope tonight is much better.
It's hard to maintain the game plan when you're a walking zombie.
:-)
I think babes have different sleep needs just as we do.
With my first baby I intended to have him sleep in the bassinet in our room. That lasted all of one night. He was a noisy sleeper and I couldn't stand it! As soon as we moved the bassinet to the adjoining room we both slept a lot better. He has had phases of coming in to sleep with us but generally sleeps far better alone.
My big girl was the complete opposite. From day one she would not sleep unless she was with me. And so our co-sleeping journey began. She moved into her own bed around the time she turned 5 (prior to that would start in there and come in to me during the night). She sleeps beautifully on her own these days but knows she can come to us if she has a nightmare.
Currently I sleep between my nearly 3 year old son and my 7 month old baby girl. I love it. I am tandem breastfeeding and the thought of getting up to feed either of them during the night is beyond me.
The toddler wakes much more than the baby, but there are other issues at play there as well and it is so important to us that he feels protected and safe at all times. Having him right there also helps when he has his middle of the night meltdowns as I can just hold him until they pass.
We have a king bed and the hubster has his own room at the moment. And I know some people are HORRIFIED that we don't share a bed but a) we still managed to have four kids ;p and b) we know all too well that this time is fleeting, and soon enough we will be bemoaning the fact that the kids want nothing to do with us lol.
Different strokes... co-sleeping is a great blessing to us (mostly) but it's not for everyone.
Oh Megan, as you know for our twitter talk, I am with you on this! I am not a fan of co-sleeping, though its what is happening in our house at present as well. When H was a bub I was very strict about him and I having our own space to sleep. I am a terrible sleeper at the best of times so sharing with a squirmy child was not going to help.
Yet, since giving his dummy away, his ability to self settle has vanished. So he comes to our bed seeking comfort instead. Depending on how tired I am, sometimes he is allowed in, sometimes a two hr battle of wills ensues to get him to sleep in his own bed again.
Like you I have a hub who travels long distances for work so its tricky when you want them to get sleep too.
If you find a solution, let me know, as I seriously have tried everything!
I LOVED co-sleeping and still do. When my children were babies it was the only way I could get any sleep. Not to mention the numerous benefits for babies themselves. My 2 kids aged 6 and 10 still sleep with me most nights. I'm sure this is HORRIFYING to many people. Well they can deal with it :) It works for us. I'm a single parent-I doubt I would do this if i had a partner. But that's part of why I do it. I've never had anyone to help me get the kids to bed,(even when I was with my ex he never did, was too busy being drunk or coping with his mental health issues) and going to bed with them, has always been the easiest solution. I love the family bonding that occurs. We all read books together and chat about our day. I will be sad when they feel too old for it :)
Great topic! We have never co-slept with our two either. They were in their own rooms in cots from the day they came home. I'm like you - I need my space and I need my sleep! I didn't mind getting up to do the early morning feeds - it let my hubby sleep and gave me that 1:1 time with each bub.
Sadly we've fallen into the same trap that you have - our daughter is teething and we think she has asthma so her breathing gets laboured and she panics late at night. Cuddles help her settle and we don't want to get her upset which labours her breathing more, even after a session on the ventolator, so she's been coming into our bed. Last night we put out foot down and she was taken back to bed around midnight. Funnily enough, she fell asleep in her cot with her Daddy gently patting her off to sleep and we had 6 1/2 hours of uninterrupted sleep - bliss!
I'm a "whatever works for you" type of parent so we've tried both in the attempt to get some sleep around here.
Our problem with co-sleeping is that Tricky is a really hot kid and the times we do co-sleep I end up shivering without a blanket because if I have it on, he'll be sweating within a few minutes. The only time it works is really cold mornings when he won't overheat.
We haven't co-slept with either of the girls, mainly because the midwives put the fear of God into us! Both have slept in a cot in their own rooms from day one. There were a few nights when 3yo Ella was a bub where we brought her into our bed, because she was either sick or just wouldn't sleep. Those nights neither of us slept though. I was willing myself to stay awake.
Mind you, here I am typing this after having been up every hour with eight-month-old Holly and then starting the day at 3am. Maybe co-sleeping last night might have been a better solution for my sick bubba! :(
I'm team co-sleeping ;)
I think if you do it from day one you get used to all the noise and wriggling and sleep through it. I get lots of sleep and feel rested because I don't have to get out of bed. Partly I co-sleep because I'm lazy. Even when my babies have gone through periods of wakefulness I haven't had to be up and down resettling. I just pull them over for a cuddle. Except my first, she screamed inconsolably for about 18 months.
When my kids were babies I only kind of woke up to feed. I'd hear a little grunting roll over and pop a boob in the baby's mouth and go back to sleep, waking later with a cold boob and a full baby, rolled over and asleep.
As they got bigger we just made the bed bigger. We had a mattress set up on the floor with a queen and a double to accommodate all five of us in the bed at one stage. Now we are room sharing. Luke and I in a queen, big girls in bunks and Harper in a toddler bed. My almost 4 year old still wakes up a few times a night but having her bed next to mine means I can just give her a quick pat without getting up and she goes right back to sleep.
It works for us!
Our eldest use to come into our bed a lot when he was a toddler and to start with we let it happen, though it got to the point as like yourself that I was not coping and began turning into nasty mummy.
We made a deal that if he came in we would take him back to his room and then give him a quick cuddle there and reassure him and then we would go back to bed. Sometimes I would fall asleep in his bed lol.
He had not been doing it for a while then a couple of nights I rolled over to find that at some point he had sneaked into the middle without us even realising, cheeky bugger :)
Its a process but yes the getting up and putting them back in works in the end most of the time. He now has a few comfort things like a teddy to cuddle if he wakes.
We are about to move our toddler out of his cot soon so we will see if the process happens all over again.
We did co sleep, but to different degrees. When we came home with our first child a day after he was born he slept in a bassinet right beside my side of the bed. He would come into the bed on and off. He was a shocking sleeper, and he needed the close contact of me or Hubby to settle.
Whenever he was unwell, which with asthma was a lot he slept with us. We needed to know he was alive and breathing frankly, and that way I had him and the nebuliser all within close range.
He also slept with us after surgery and when he had pneumonia.
Our daughter was a noisy sleeper from day dot! She now talks in her sleep and she is a very restless sleeper. But, the same applied for her, and she spent a lot of her nights at least partly in our bed. For me too it was easier to feed her half asleep until she self weaned at 14 months. She was a regular in our bed until she was 5. For us it was easier to just let her in than the fuss and crying that come from putting her back in her bed.
And always when she was unwell.
She's 10 now and when Hubby is away she still often likes to sleep in bed with me.
I was firmly against co-sleeping with my first born because 'the book said not to'. I threw away the book with my second child (as we all do) and let her into bed from day one. Now, three years later, she still manages to worm her way between our sheets a couple of nights a week...and if I'm honest...I love it. My first born however (four year old son) refuses point-blank to jump into bed with us...and it kind of makes me sad. Get those snuggles and cuddles in, while they last I say!
No co-sleeping here. Like you, I can't sleep with someone other than Mr Karen in my bed. I worry too much, can't relax, and end up being a crabby b*tch all the next day.
I'd rather get up, deal with it, try to establish habits whereby the child learns to deal with it themselves, and get themselves back off to sleep, than to let them climb into my bed. For us, we're all about the long term habits. This is what works best for us.
Great post Megan.
We've tried co-sleeping with mixed results... I was keen mainly because I am lazy and hate getting out of bed for feeds!
Our first bubba loved it, and it suited us for a few months until we moved her from bassinet to cot around 7 months. That suited us both fine. Number two was a different story - she slept terribly in the bed, and made so much noise that none of us got any good quality sleep. So we moved her out as fast as possible! Now I cannot sleep if she is even in the same room as me (had this problem on holidays when she was in the portacot).
With Abby, have you tried making up a little bed on the floor beside you. My mum told me she did this for my brother and he used to come in every night for months, then one day just grew out of it.
Good luck, and wishing you more zzzzs :)
I love co sleeping and it works for us, but I so understand that it is not for everyone. It is, as they say, doing what works for the family. And since it doesn't work for you, you have to find another way to solve it. Our friends put their kids on the floor on a mattress beside their bed. It's not co sleeping really but it solves their problems of sneaking in bed :) Hope that helps.
Darling No1 never co-slept, but Darling No2 did it for a year between 2-3 yo. It wasn't my preference but then I knew it was my last baby and that it wouldn't last forever. So I put up with it.
A friend has always co-slept with her kids (boy and girl) and still does at ages 5 and 8! I find it very odd on all sorts of levels. But like Glowless, I agree with whatever works for you...
I never did the co-sleeping thing either. I did have the babies in my room, in the bassinet at the foot of the bed for easy night-feed access, but once they were sleeping through the night, I moved them to their own room. Once they were toddlers, they'd come in with us on weekend mornings, but we were already awake reading the Sunday paper so that was family fun time.
Our first two never slept in our bed but for the past 14 yrs we have had kids in our bed most nights. Do we get enough sleep? Yep when you are exhausted enough you can sleep through anything:) Some mornings we have two/three children in our bed, while my husband and I would like some more 'us' time, truly the years whiz by, we really don't mind anymore.
After hearing the lovely stories of the half-asleep mummy casually doing dream feeds (I had one friend who pulled it off with all 3 boys), I was all for co-sleeping. It lasted 2 nights. It's just not the same when you have a 40 minute breastfeed, followed by a bottle so the kid actually gets fed. Nor when an exhausted hubby almost rolled on him. Pretty soon, he got used to sleeping on his own (although in a bassinette in our room).
Later, when he was much bigger, we thought we would relent when he started having hideous nightmares, and one of us would have to camp out on his floor all night. After several weeks of this, not to mention the complete chaos that ensued from 3 people suffering from sleep deprivation, we gave in - it ended with the first big toe in the stomach (not to mention the 5th, 10th or 84th).
Personally, I don't know how anyone can do it. I have enough (non-munchkin related) sleeping problems. The last thing I need is to add him into the bed. That said, I do LOVE it when we don't have to be anywhere in particular, he climbs into bed in the morning and we go back to sleep for an hour or so. That is co-sleeping perfection.
Yes.. agree with my sis... great topic!
I used to let my bubs ... and me fall asleep in bed in the morning feeds when they were tiny (any feed after 4am)But all other feeds I'd put bubs back in their bed.
Then we went through a major stuggle (for what seemed like years - oh it was years)of kids waking through the night and not wanting to go back to their bed room... so we let them bring their pillow and doona ... and they were allowed to sleep on the floor beside our bed - we all slept ... often with 1,2 or 3 kids in our room... but not in our bed. ahhh bliss.
Our 4th has been super easy and happy to go back to her bed.
xx
I love co-sleeping, it has been the only way to get some uninterrupted sleep for me. But my husband can't sleep when either of the kids are there, so I can understand how you feel.
I have only this to say: me too. :(
Interesting post.
I am not a fan although it is certainly the norm here in Japan. My toddler sleeps in his own cot and he puts himself to sleep every night and hates it if someone has to put him to sleep. He has pretty much always been like this. Sometimes requires some extra cuddles or a back rub if he has been sick but usually he is fine.
When he has to sleep in a room with us he does not sleep well. Neither do I but hub can sleep through anything.
My second has been a bit different and is sleeping in our room. He has his own cot though and it is more of a space issue now. At first though I was so nervous because he had had some apnea issues, most likley due to his premature birth.
I admire those that can do it, and like it. I am not one of them.
I am a light sleeper and even though the younger baby doesn`t wake up much overnight- sometimes not at all, other times once to feed, I wake up 5 or more times a night due his noisy sleeping!
Occasional co-sleeping was ok with my first daughter - she's now 13. She's always been in her own cot/bed, but would occasionally wander through to my bed and then stay completely still for the night. I did always get up to feed in a chair when she was an infant as well.
My second? No chance. She wriggled and used to end up sideways, with her feet up the wall and kicked a whole lot. I love my sleep too much to tolerate it, I'm afraid.
That said, if you can do it and enjoy it, then there's no harm.
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