Maybe I should just pull a funny face at the naggers?
We were out walking, Abbey and I, and we came back to our street at the same time as a neighbour. We walked next to her and chatted, just a couple of friendly neighbours who happened to bump into each other. As we came to our houses, she looked down to my stomach and back up again and said, "So are you EVER going to have another child?"
*
At swimming lessons, in the change room after the class. She and I, two mums getting their kids dressed. I've seen her twice, at the lessons her daughter and mine have shared, but all we'd ever said was a polite 'hello'. This time, there was more: "Just the one? Will you have another?" Before I could answer, this was added in Abbey's direction: "Would you like a baby brother or sister?" Abbey quickly agreed and put in her order for a baby sister. The lady looked at me smugly and walked away.
*
Another mum, an acquaintance to whom I had spoken a few times but no more than that. We're talking about the weather and she comes out with it - "Are you going to have another child?"
*
He's a doctor and I go to see him about my knee. I haven't seen him for years, but I go back because he fixed this injury last time. He meets Abbey for the first time, asks how old she is, and then straight away he says, "You're going to have another one, right?" And I think, I know you're a doctor but can't we just talk about my knee?
*
I'm at a child's birthday party. I get chatting to some other mums and I look outside as I talk, just to make sure Abbey is okay. "Do you just have the one?" one of them asks and I nod as I point out which child is mine. The mum looks around at her friends and I realise I'm an outsider for a reason other than not having met them before. "Remember having just one kid to look after?!" they laugh. "Oh, that was bliss!" Then back to me: "You'll have more, won't you? You have to have more!"
*
Why is everyone so obsessed with how many children I have and when I have them? I just wish they'd shut up and stop nagging me.
22 comments:
Sorry, hon. That's difficult for you.
I think most people mean well, but I wish people would be more thoughtful with their questioning. (The lady asking Abbey? WAY out of line.)
xxx
Unfortunately the minute you have one child, people somehow think it is a safe subject of conversation.
big hugs, stay strong x
I found that after my second people stopped asking! For some unknown reason people seem to think that two 'complete' the picture. Also, we were married seven years before we started even trying to have children, and people stopped asking at about our fourth anniversary.........
So uncalled for - and I'm with Jodie, asking Abby is WAY out of line. I hate to tell you this, but I think people only stopped asking me about a year or so ago - and my gal's 11... I started getting in early with a "Yep, just the one. That's what we wanted, one very loved child."
I know how you feel. I used to get frustrated and upset and sometimes like I had to justify myself. People just don't think before they speak do they?
Sometimes I hear myself asking someone else if they're planning on having more babes and I cringe. I don't do it to be nosy or insensitive, more because it's a conversation starter. I need to stop it though, I don't want to be a nagger!
x
That's a really good point, Holly - I'm sure I've probably asked people in the past without realising it could be an sensitive question for them (or other questions that I don't even know to be hard on others). It's all these incidents put together that weighs on me, but each one in isolation is harmless enough (except, as the others have said above, asking Abbey is not OK!).
I guess we all need to remember that even though we don't mean to be rude or insensitive, it may not be as simple as just one passing question to an acquaintance. :)
yep, I don't ask people because I no sooner had my twins and people would say 'tell me you're not having more' or 'you're not going back for another one are you?'. I love having 4 but the questions never stop! maybe when she's older:)my pet hate is 'are they all yours' which I get all the time and really don't like!
corrie:)
I'm with Holly, I know I've done this before even though I know that just b/c someone has one doesn't mean that having a second is smooth sailing - on lots of fronts. I try to remember now that there are a whole host of reasons a person may have one child, but occassionally I do still ask if I sense there's a story wanting to be told - I like to think that in these times I am sensitive in the way I broach the subject, allowing the person to step away without it stinging but I'm sure I've stuffed this up many a time. Thanks for reminding me & big hugs.
Also, scribeswindow, we get that too - all the time! People think two (esp if you have a "pigeon pair" is perfect!)
I'm sure, like Holly, that it's a conversation starter. It's no different to the, "When are you getting engaged/married/having your 1st baby/buying a house?" questions. Really, it's nobody's business & I think people should stick to the weather or, "isn't she sweet, how old is your little girl?" lines for small talk. We've had questions about how many we are planning on having from complete strangers who stare at my pregnant belly! I just want to tell them to mind their own beeswax (or shut their pieholes as I've said previously). It's insensitive to ask those kinds of questions at the end of the day.
Oh shut up!
That's what I wish I could say to nosy parkers like that. It's no one else's business but yours. And to ask a child? Unthinkable.
At least now I am single people stop asking that. And the few times they've forgotten I'm single I can say: It would have to be an immaculate conception.
It makes me angry because our choices are our choices; and sometimes they are not our choices!
Sometimes people are trying desperately for a first, or a second, or an umpteenth baby ...
It's all so raw and personal and private ... I do believe that most people don't realise how thoughtless they are being. But perhaps it is time they learned?
They're all just jealous because they didn't stop at one.
I didn't give people the chance to ask. I had the third one before the first was 4....
I never ask. Because I know what it's like to want, more than anything, to be pregnant and knowing it's out of my control.
You never know what someone has gone through to have a child. You never know who has lost one, or more, you never know who has just come from seeing a fertility specialist. Who has just sat in their bathroom willing themselves to inject their own leg again in the hope this time it works.
I think some people ask to satisfy their own smugness. And others as Holly says, because they are just making conversation.
But it can be hard. It can hurt, and quite frankly people need to think about that a little more before they speak.
Oh so true Megan - people always seem to know what is best.
I'm hearing ya! Were on our way to four but get comments from the opposite end. 'Oh you're so brave', I don't know how you manage' and the most infuriating 'oh, you're trying for a girl?'.
No matter what the situation there'll be people using their underhanded tactics to implying their life is somehow the better one.
Saying 'get stuffed' has worked a few times for me. (Although don't try this on the mother in law).
I HEAR you!
Loud and clear.
http://mummyontherun.blogspot.com/2011/06/just-one-then.html
:-)
I know it isn't the same but people have started asking ... no quizzing me when my boyfriend and I are going to get married. I find it really frustrating. I know people think they are being nice or just starting a conversation but it is really intrusive. When I explain that he is the one and we are in no hurry they look at me with pity like I just said "I lost my cat". Why is what one person does the same for everyone? People have these cookie cutter ideas. Same thing for everyone.
HURUMPH I SAY!
Sigh - how tricky...
My sister has only been able to have one child and she gets asked about more babies all the time. It is hard.
What is worse is they then ask if her child was IVF or natural - as if THAT is anyone's business either!
More power to you. You make decisions right for you and your family. I suggest coming up with something that shuts the askers up... let's see....
Someone: Oh, are you only having ONE child?
You: Well, I have had more, they were delicious....
Yes, yes, that might work.....
Oh Lordy Lordy, Lordy, how I feel your pain on this! I'm in the same boat and equally detest and dread this question. I knew from previous blogs of yours you have endured this for a while so I actually thought of you yesterday when I was asked *yet again* when I was going to produce number 2, from a veritable stranger... People need to mind their own damn business!!
think of this, you are so blessed. because some are still trying to get one. like me. =(
Wow.. why is everyone so rude? I would never in a million years think of saying that, even to someone I know fairly well. It is none of my business whether you choose to have one, or ten, just as it is none of my business if it is not your choice.
I will never understand why people think they have the right to comment on other people's personal lives... *hugs*
Amen sista friend!! My husband and I don't have any children as of yet (we just got married Oct of last year), and from the moment we got engaged, the question started..."when are you having babies??" All my Mom said was, "you'll have to deal with me asking while you are still pregnant with your first, when you'll be having the second!" AY AY AY!! We have SOOOOoooo much to look forward to! ;)
Post a Comment