A person you haven’t met before, or perhaps who you’ve met but haven’t spoken to for a while - what do you do?
Are you one to approach them and say hello, or do you stand back and wait for them to make the first move?
I’ve been called a ‘snob’ many times in my life for doing the latter. That happens to people who tend towards the shy end of the spectrum. You watch from the sidelines, agonising over whether to say hi, wondering if you’ll be ridiculed, hoping they haven’t noticed you.
Meanwhile, the other person is often doing something similar. They have their own insecurities, and think you consider yourself too good to speak to them. The balance of power is ultimately taken by the one who makes that first move. The one who is seen as confident enough to walk up and put themselves on the line.
These days, I’m much more at that socially confident end of the spectrum, unless I feel REALLY unnerved by someone. I sometimes need reminding now, that others aren’t always comfortable doing the same.
I find myself labelling people as ‘rude’ when they don’t say hi – but I shouldn’t make such assumptions.
Are you a first-move-maker or a bystander?
25 comments:
Definitely a bystander - often kicking myself afterwards for not saying something.
I used to be a bystander, but now I spend so much time without grown up company that when it comes along, I'm gagging for a chat. I also understand that horrible feeling of being judged as a snob when you're actually shy. Not nice. So when people seem rude, I don't judge. I assume they are shy, and let them show me their true colours.
I talk too much. To anyone. Much to the horror of my husband and kids, who almost refuse to get into a lift with me nowadays. It is a trait inherited from my mum. Xx
It depends how much alcohol I've had :) Mostly I stand back but I'm trying to change that.
Hmm.. I think I belong to category between the two levels what you have mentioned.. it often depends on the people whom we are up against... I mean, how important they are, how close we were to them... I start it with a smile - they say its a best medicine.. And it works! If they smile back, then great and if they don't, well we get our answers. Plus, we don't look rude!
I have been accused of being aloof, or thinking I am better than others - if only they knew others could see the blind fear running through my head!
I'm with Mrs Woog! I get in trouble for striking up conversation with just about anyone. Both my Mum and my Grandma do it too. On the flip side, I don't make friends very easily. Seems strange I know, but I have a hard time trusting people and its easier to be a 'nice' acquaintence than to have to open up and risk getting hurt which I have had happen too many times in my life.
Funny you should write about this. I would have always said I was a bystander in my younger days. But now with three kids under my belt, so to speak, I speak up. I blogged recently about butting into a conversation at a BBQ recently. I felt like I need to say my piece about the #ukriots. Perhaps I should have kept quiet.
I'm in the middle. I won't approach, but if eyes are caught I'll give a little wave and a smile. If they don't wave back, I hastily change that to a 'fixing hair' manuever, hahaha
I can be the one who waits for people to say 'hi', but as I get older I am more confident about initiating the conversation. After all, if you don't say 'hello' you risk missing out making wonderful new friends.
I have been called a snob many times for not being the conversation initiator. It's a little frustrating, but I'm not the type of person who's going to talk first. That whole crippling shyness really puts a damper on things.
My husband can chat with anyone.. often times I will find him in a store talking with someone he never met. It amazes me.
I tend to be a little more conservative. I am capable of striking up a conversation but if there is too much pressure I fall over my words.
I am always polite though. :)
I definitely fall into the bystander category. It's incredible how much anxiety and insecurity can result over such simple meetings.
I was talking about this yesterday with my fiance. It really depends on where I'm at in that moment. And for that reason, I tend never to judge. I usually figure that they just didn't see me.
I'm a shy person - I take a while to come out of my shell. It was one of the reasons I decided to make a blog. I can talk to people if I know we have something in common otherwise I shut up. I can look like I am being a little rude but is not that way at all- i just don't know what to say; or how to start the conversation. That's why I only have a small select group of my own friends. Everyone else is friends with my partner first.
As a young adult, I used to be a wallflower type. As I got older, did more things, joined (and led) more clubs etc. I got more confident, and now that I'm in the Third Age, I don't give a damn! Try usually to make everyone feel at home: once you begin to do that, it gets much much easier! Good luck and happy mixing!
As a young adult, I was a bystander until I realised that the only way I was going to get anywhere, was to become a meeter/greeter. It got easier, the more I did it - so, go for it and you'll not regret it. Now, I don't even think about it. So, happy mixing to one and all.
I'm probably more of a bystander, but even more than that, I am always getting about in my own little world and tend not to notice people until they are in my face saying "Hello stranger!".
So to all those people who think I have intentionally snubbed them, I didn't, I'm just so self-absorbed that I didn't notice you. (Hmmm, that doesn't really sound much better, does it?)
I'm a bit of both, depending on my frame of mind and the circumstances.
But I will talk to a total stranger in a lift, much to my kid's dismay!
I just started college. Its tough because most of the people i talked to in high school moved away or went off to college, not to mention my boyfriend left for the college we were both supposed to go to this year. I of course couldnt go due to unforseeable cercumstances.It was easier in grade school because i was dealnig with people i had grown up with, there was always someone to talk to that id known for years. I am very much a bystander and trying to figure out how to make friends again.
dreamchasersdiaries.blogspot.com
I usually make the first move. I especially love saying hi to people I bump into that I haven't seen for a long time!
Most of the time I'm a shy one, hanging back and possibly missing out on great friendships because of it.
But in my job as checkout operator, I have to be the one to smile and say hello, make a little conversation even. I've found it gets much easier over time, but still, it hasn't carried over into my private life.
Yep, I'm the one that just bolts up to people. I probably shouldn't do that to give them space, but I think "they didn't see me!" so I say "hi" first.
And if there was an issue, enough time has passed that it doesn't matter anymore. Not that it happens much. But it's happened once or twice!
x
My mood tends to flip flop all the time, so it really depends on the day or time. Generally I am outgoing, but at times I have terrible social anxiety. Usually I pride myself on versatility, other times I feel it is one of my biggest faults.
I'm a first moves kinda gal!
I have a friend who, when I first met her, seemed like a snob - but I eventually worked out she's just very shy. I know others thought of her the same way too. So, since experiencing that, I don't judge people who seem quiet and reserved. Sometimes, it's because they ARE actually a little snobby, but often, it's just that they're shy.
xx
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