Being a balloon parent (I'm running with my new term) doesn't come as naturally as many might think.
There are times I just want to run to my little girl and cuddle her close when she falls. I watch for her reaction when she hurts herself, and hold my breath as I smile at her and calmly ask if she's okay.
Sometimes it's funny when people talk about how tough she is. There's a running joke that a friend's sons like to say, 'We're not as tough as Abbey!' But I try to counteract all the talk about bravery and toughness by telling her often that it's okay to cry if something hurts. Just so she knows.
Sometimes I'm relieved when she does cry after a fall - usually when she's really tired. It's the perfect excuse to listen to my instinct and cuddle her, at least for the thirty seconds she'll allow it.
On many occasions I hold my breath as she climbs a ladder to a tall slide, and every time she's out of my sight for a moment I have a little freak out.
But all these panicky parenting moments, and many of the clingy ones, I hide from her.
Why? Because I think it's the best thing for Abbey.
Because I want her to listen to her own instincts. I don't want to overpower that, so I follow her lead when she's trying something new or hurts herself.
Because my favourite part of parenting is encouraging her, and having her realise how capable she is is far more important than following my instincts.
Sometimes I parent against my instincts because this, her childhood, is all about her. Not me.
23 comments:
Totally agree! I have many memories of jamming my lips shut while my son climbed up rocks and ridges, when my instinct screamed I should keep him safe. How will our kids learn about acceptable risk-taking if we curtail their every adventure?
I get the shocked looks at playgrounds when I don't run over to my children when they fall. And also the "she must be tough" comments.
There have been many times too, when I've held myself back as I parent (many, many, many times)...but I'm not sure if I would describe it as instinct (personally). For me, it's often my own insecurities, external pressures and anxieties that I have to hold back. I think my instinct goes much deeper than that and I the longer I parent, the more I trust it.
It's rather wierd, but I've come to know the difference in feeling between my instinct and my insecurities.
I might have to write a post to elaborate on that. HA!
Great post.
Absolutely.
It can be so challenging to give them the freedom and space to experiment - and maybe fail or get hurt.
I imgaine it must get even harder as they get older and the choices they make have greater consequence.
:-)
I think I agree with Be A Fun Mum, sometimes I fight against societal norms rather than my own instincts.
As they get older I also need to remind myself they are not babies anymore, that's hard to do sometimes!
I hate those whiney "i touched a leaf and it scratched my finger, give me a 10 minute cuddle while I sob" kids. I let mine come to me. I watch from a distance and it affords me the opportunity to observe the helicopter parents and the whiney kids who check they have an audience before bursting into sobs. I think my way is the right way (of course I do...).
I can't imagine what these kids will be like in school and then as adults - I have seen a documentary on parents ringing bosses about their child's problems at work and going into the office to organise their adult childrens desks. That scares me more than a few stares at the park.
ah, yes I struggle with this too. In the end, we are raising them to be capable and independent adults. So for now, we are available and eager to comfort, but also allowing them to learn to do the things they can on their own. Sometimes I think it's harder for me than it is for my son!
I like your balloon parenting, but think you should keep listening to your own instincts too.
A mothers instincts are rarely wrong, which is why, while you say you are ignoring them, I think you are probably doing the opposite, reading your child well and knowing instinctively when she needs you or not. Cause no matter how tough or brave she is, Abbey will always need her Mum! She knows that you are there when required, and you know she will seek your comfort when she needs it.
I think this is a great example of where the bigger picture is more important than the day-to-day things like swooping in which isn't what you want to do (not that it isn't right for others). It just means that really, you and Steve believe in the way you're raising Abbey to be the right way. And I think that's marvellous. Snaps to you lovely!
I think this is a great example of where the bigger picture is more important than the day-to-day things like swooping in which isn't what you want to do (not that it isn't right for others). It just means that really, you and Steve believe in the way you're raising Abbey to be the right way. And I think that's marvellous. Snaps to you lovely!
This is a nice way of enabling kids to be more open, brave and develop certain aspects which doesn't come just by reading books and lectures...
The fearless confidence with which a child confronts the world always makes me flex and tighten. But you are right about letting them have at it . Flex allows you to respond quickly if necessary . I stay flexed all the while shouting words of encouragement. I never want to undermine the confidence.
What an interesting blog, and I like your new term! But way too often, I end up being a helicopter parent instead. My son clung to me for the first two years of his life, until I realized I had to gently push him in a more independent direction in order for him to develop the way he should. He has been a slow starter, especially when it comes to walking. Since he is timid in new situations, I have started putting him in those situations instead of avoiding them. This summer, he has explored the world on his own to a much larger extent, and now he is finally walking, at age 2 1/2! I'm quite sure my new-found ballooning and the walking are related in his case.
"Sometimes I parent against my instincts because this, her childhood, is all about her. Not me."
And there you have it. Nuff said.
I like your new term! That's great that you let her face things on her own, but still remind her it's ok to cry. Abbey's got a great mom (:
Love this post! This is how we are trying to parent as well. We need to encourage our children to be independent thinkers and to stand up for themselves - no point in wrapping them in cotton wool and them getting the shock of their life when 'reality' hits them in the face. My kids still get to be kids, but they will also be prepared for anything that life can throw at them. That said, we have lots of cuddles in our house - when they want them that is. :)
Great Port & Great Blog...
As a proud Daddy, I'm always worry about my 2 boys, specially when they both are away to friends or on school trip but I tried to let them be themselves and just enjoy life...
I actually don't think you are totally parenting against your instincts...
Part of your insight is to know that your girl needs to experience life, take risks and learn to deal with situations. Part of your instinct is to wait, to be there if she needs you, but to wait and make sure that you are not stepping in too soon....
Sure those instincts might be clashing with others, but obviously those ones have a louder voice and hold more priority for you... so reckon you are totally going with your instincts and doing a darn good job of it!
I think you're doing absolutely the right thing. You're there for her, but not on top of her. You're assisting in building her confidence.
Well done!
Like everything in life, it is all about moderation. Space in moderation. Cuddles in moderation. Trust your gut and you can't go wrong. I believe Abbey The Tough is in very capable hands with you guys x
this is one of my favorite posts. while i'm not a parent yet, i really feel like your writings would help any parent from any walk of life to parent, better. thanks for sharing.
http://myacatalecticwork.blogspot.com
You are honestly one of the best mothers I "know". Abbey is such a beautiful, independent, curious, gorgeous girl and she's so lucky to have you as her mamma xxx
I reckon you're probably one of the best parents out there. I'll be glad if I'm half as good a parent as you when It's my time to shine!
great post from a great mum. :D
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