I started blogging two years ago, and this is the story I've been wanting to tell every day since then. That's how scared I am of this topic. It isn't that I'm feeling particularly brave in writing and posting it now; I just feel that I need to get it out before I can try to move on from the recent effects it's having on me.
I was teased as a kid. From the start of primary school right to the end of high school, I was taunted and excluded and put down.
I was invited to parties purely as someone to make fun of. If I dared speak up in class, kids would call out names. (I wonder why every school report said, 'Megan needs to speak up more in class'?) If I made myself seen at lunchtime, I wouldn't hear the end of it (me and the library were good buddies). Girls at high school would write their nicknames for me on the board just before the teacher walked in.
For thirteen years I was made to feel worthless. I am so grateful that I have an amazing, supporting family. I would cry in the car on the way home every day, telling Mum and my sister about the worst of it. Best of all, I still showed up to school every day - just to prove that I was stronger than those bitches.
It took me a long time to move on from all that, but I did. I had some good friends at high school who proved I was worth liking, and whose loyalty I'll always appreciate. And as I left school I met Steve, and found that I was lovable too.
*
Fast forward to now. I've moved past all that, and upon meeting me people talk about me as confident and fun. People want to be friends with me these days.
But, you know, sometimes in life it's right when you think you're over something that it comes back and gives you a big kick in the guts.
Lately I've been having flashbacks of the taunting and teasing. I'm thirty-one, I'm happy - yet for almost half my life I constantly heard the message that I wasn't fit to be happy. Maybe that's where this is coming from: I've worked through a lot of stuff to reach a point of happiness, and now I find I don't believe I'm worth it anyway.
Whenever I'm feeling confident or like I'm good at something, I've been hearing their voices in my head, telling me not to be so stupid. Of course I'm not good. I'm just a loser. Who do I think I am to be thinking people like me? Why would they?
I found myself in the middle of a panic attack not long ago. I gave in to it, I believed it and I came straight home.
I had another one last week. I went out, and to see me or to hear me talking about it you'd think it was just some lighthearted fun - which it was, in the end. But to get there took me hours: a panic attack before leaving home, another while driving. The voices telling me I was just stupid; why was I going out, who was I to think I had new friends, they'd probably just invited me to taunt me once I arrived - ridiculous, illogical thoughts. They're not called logic attacks though, are they.
Once again I have to give all credit to Steve. I'd love to say I pushed through it, that I was determined not to give in, but I wasn't. I wanted to curl up in a ball and believe the doubts again. He said no. He encouraged me to get ready, to go out, and he talked me through it all on the phone while I was out. I was about to say where would I be without him... but I'll make myself panicky again.
But I did it. I went out, I got there and saw the friendly faces and knew I'd done the right thing.
There is no one in my life now that would treat me like that again. And I'd like to think that if they tried, well, let's just say I wouldn't want to be them.
*
This stuff, the bullying and taunting, it effects people for their whole lives. I'm not suggesting I would have been without my self-doubts or neuroses if I hadn't been teased, but it certainly hasn't helped me.
I'm not someone who feeds off the naysayers. I'm not the type to say they made me stronger or encouraged me to prove them wrong. They didn't. They set me back. But I got there in the end.
And I'll get there again.
72 comments:
Oh Megan, I have no words. :(
I kinda know how you feel. I was bullied at school. I still remember it clearly like it only happened yesterday. I have my 10yr high school reunion next year and I wont be going.
Sending you strength. It sounds like you have a good man in Steve to support you and help you through this. xx
Megan, this surprises me, but then it doesn't, I know the power of bullies as an adult and I don't really cope very well so I can't imagine how I would have coped as a child.
I do put money on the girls that bullied you all thinking that they never really did 'much' . That you were just shy, or didn't mind, thought they were funny. I bet they don't consider themselves bullies at all.
I do hope that you one day find total peace with the fact that you are more than worthy of friendship and respect from everyone you meet.
I hate to think that you went through that Megan and that you still suffer anxiety today as a result. I have met you once and I thought you were such a fun, amazing, generous soul. I often think how I can not wait to spend time with you agin. Take care, much love xx
I know so well those voices that tell you to just stay home, or to walk away, or to blend in.... I hear them too sometimes.
But I am so glad you didn't listen. I am so glad you have a lovely supporting family and husband and I am so glad that I am getting to know you.... because those girls were wrong. All those people who let you down back then, all those people who hurt you... they are all wrong. You are so very worthy of friendship, or great things and of love.... and you sing a mean karaoke (and I hear you are pretty good at dancing on tables too!).
Thanks so much Amy. I'm so blessed to have a wonderful man who supports me, that's for sure. x
It's funny isn't it - no one ever admits to being a bully. So either they're in denial and don't want to admit it, or they didn't realise the effect they had on someone's life.
Thank you for your kind words, it means a lot. I'm very lucky to count you as a friend. x
Bianca, I wish you lived closer! Why are so many of my favourite people in other states?!
I still remember when I met you, and you said to me (rather drunkenly!), 'You're FUN!' Loved it.
Kate, I'm AWESOME at dancing on podiums! ;)
Thank you so much for those words - I'm all teary reading them. In a good way. Loving having the chance to see you around the blogging social scene. x
Brave of you to write about this. I have been bullied and also been a bully at school and at the time never really understood it fit into that category of behavior we now know as bullying. I also struggle with the little man in my head who keeps promoting self doubt. Being so self aware is half the battle I think. Your man is a keeper for sure. x
Really interesting to hear you say you were on the other side of the fence, Jodie. I'd love to hear your more on your perspective of the whole bullying thing.
Thanks so much for your kind words. x
PS. New site looks uber-fab!! Look at you! It's gorgeousness.
It's terrifying how common this is. I agree. It doesn't make you stronger. It doesn't make you better. It breaks you in ways you cannot possibly conceive of at the time. There's nothing good about it. I'm so glad you were able to overcome it this time. The only thing I learnt from it was that I was fundamentally unlikeable. Unlearning it is hard. But you should be so proud that you are taking the steps to do that unlearning.
Oh Megan :(
I still occasionally have nightmares about high school. I can her the voices and see their faces and it makes me sick to my stomach. More than half my lifetime ago but it has such long term impact :(
I'm so glad to have met you. You're such a gorgeous person to talk to and you make me think about things I wouldn't otherwise.
Such a loss to those people who have missed out on knowing such a beautiful person.
This is why so many parents worry about their children being bullied: it crushes a person's spirit at such a fragile time. I was bullied too as a teen and it was a confusing and sad time, and I think only now am I truly coming to terms with it and moving on (I'm 31 too). It's hard, but having unconditional love and support will make it easier.
Bullying isn't about the victim: it's all about making the bully feel superior. Stand tall and no one can step on you. Don't let the voices drown you out. xx
I'm sorry you had to go through that, Megan. That sounds just awful. Your family must be super special to have somehow cushioned you and helped you to become who you are today. You strike me as an incredibly confident, accomplished young woman, who can do anything she sets her mind to. Don't let the voices in your head tell you otherwise...
Isn't it interesting how many of us have been through this? And come out the other side?
I am still very uncomfortable around children (except my own), esp. teenagers, just waiting for them to make fun of me in some way.
I was made to feel worthless and not good enough for a large part of my life. I'm still trying to address the issues that it brings up for me.
Oh Megan, this post punched me in the guts a few sentences in. I was severely bullied, at home. From my family. Every day.
I get this, so much. And you're only young! Identifying how you feel is key. And being gentle on yourself. You absorbed a lot of hate and shame, and it was so so wrong. Undeserved. Unjust.
XXOO
I'm sorry to read that, I wasn't bullied, but I feel like crap just thinking about anyone being bullied. I can however relate to the panic attacks. I want so bad to be extroverted and just do it, go out and socialise with others. I usuallly force my own hand but the fear factor takes over any sense to relax and enjoy myself.
I am going to the Digital Parents Conference early next year but I roped a friend in to come with me. A safety blanket to make it doable for me. So I can relate very much so.
We will soldier on with the belief one day it will get easier. Good luck.
Thank you for sharing - and for being "stronger than those bitches".
Stronger, kinder, smarter - and happier, I bet.
It's an absolute shame that people of so little character can severely affect our expression of ours.
Dance on!!
:-)
That is horrible.
I got to seventh grade and suddenly I wasn't 'cool enough' for my friends anymore. So they all left. I have to give it to them though, they weren't mean. They didn't say bad things about me. They just realized that we didn't have a whole lot in common so they severed ties.
I'm better because of it. I'm still friends with those that I found after my other friends ditched me.
It doesn't follow me or haunt me like your experience does you. I think it's because I can see the 'logic' in it. But there is no logic for bullying. It's wrong. And I hope little by little you'll be able to put it behind you.
I'm so sorry, Megan - but thank you for posting. I think sometimes the things that are hardest for us to admit to or talk about are the things we need to share most with the world, because not only are YOU not alone, but the others who have been bullied need to know - they're not alone, either.
Thanks! It's kind of fun being on Wordpress too, now that I'm getting used to it. And look at me - replying to comments!
That's a great way of putting it - unlearning it is really hard.
Thanks Zoey, I'm so glad I made it out that night to sing karaoke with you!
Oh Megan. I am so sorry. I had no idea your school years were so vile. In hindsight I should have picked up on this last year, when we posted about our school days?
You give the impression of being so totally confident and cool. That you can write so honestly about your panic attacks is remarkable.
Huge hugs to you Megan.
xx
Thanks so much Kate, that means a lot. Ditto!
And I'm sorry you had to go through it too. Hopefully our kids fare better.
I was bullied for one semester my freshmen year of high school. ONE semester. And I still struggle to move past all the thoughts and lies the kids at my school told me. It wasn't outright name calling, pushing or shoving, it was glares, muffled laughter, and pointing fingers. I almost wish they would have at least been outright about it. Maybe then I could have stood up to them or said something. But no, they left me to wonder what was so awful about me... I've always been insecure, so being left to fill in the blanks, so to speak, was the worst scenario possible.
I'm so sorry that you still deal with these panic attacks years later, it's only been a year for me and I still have nightmares of kids laughing at me. It feels embarrassing and totally irrational, but that's what being laughed at does : /
Thanks Karen. I think it's a good lesson to remember as parents - that having that love and support at home can make all the difference to a child. But hopefully we don't need to help our kids through this kind of thing! x
I totally get this.
I'm astonished at how many bloggers have been sharing their story of being bullied lately. There are a lot of mean girls out there.
I've actually been lucky enough to receive an apology in my adult life from someone who bullied me horribly for a few years in high school. It was the most freeing thing, but I know it's very rare.
You know, I think we all turned out pretty awesome over all (even with our crazy insecurities) and that's the best revenge of all.
Thanks so much, Dorothy. And yes, I agree - I feel weird around older kids too. Hopefully I can get over that when Abbey gets older and her friends are coming over!
Eden, I think that's a great way of putting it - we need to be gentle on ourselves sometimes. Hard to remember, but so important. Thanks for the gorgeous words. x
Mandy, you will LOVE the conference... once you're there! Bloggers are the most supportive, friendly, inspiring group of people and it will lift your spirits to feel part of that. x
Thanks so much! Dancing cures everything, right? x
Yes, I had that too - the friends who decided one day to cut all ties. So confusing to keep up with! But I agree, the people you meet after that will be with you your whole life.
Thanks Emily. Yes, the hardest things, the thoughts we want to escape and ignore, are exactly the ones we need to face up to.
Thanks Lucy - and no, don't feel you should have realised! I keep this one pretty close to my chest... usually. Huge hugs back. xx
It really does have profound effects, doesn't it. From so many people being wonderful in our lives, it sucks that it only takes a few to bring us down. Here's to us getting past it.
I can relate to this all too well. I was fortunate to grow up in a great community while I dealt with the name-calling, it didn't last long and didn't leave much of an impression on me. I did however spend 6 years of my life living with my mom's second husband who was an abusive alcoholic. It's been years since we got out of that horrific situation, and to be honest I am one of those Polyannas who believes he did make me stronger, it wasn't until recently when I found the love of my life, that I truly believed I was worth loving.
Words, emotions, experiences- they stick with you. However, don't let allow yourself to be defined by other people. God INTENTIONALLY created you to be exactly as you are (neuroses and all). We all have those days of self-doubt, but sometimes all it takes is a moment of stepping back and counting your blessings to help you put things into perspective.
You're in my thoughts and I pray that through your struggles you'll continue to grow stronger and be confident in your own self-worth :)
Oh, that must have felt great to have talked to that person and received an apology. Well done.
Yep, we are awesome - that'll teach 'em!
I hear you. Have a splittig headache so can't make much sense, but, oh, how I hear you.
xx
Bullying has become a very hot topic because it has been in schools and has become a rage on some social networking sites. As someone who was the target of bullying, I never got it. But like you, I had a pretty cool group of friends to help deal with it.
I wonder if there is a way to do a Revenge On the Meanies kind of thing, where the bullied of the past get together and encourage the bullied of the present with stories of overcoming?
I know just how you feel...
I was bullied at home by my father, and many of my decisions are still made whilst fighting his voice. I just quit my job because the manager at my work was bullying me the same way. I've had enough. We don't need that anymore. Glad to know I'm not alone in this struggle...
I was bullied in primary school, but not high school. And I felt so much empathy for those that were, having experienced it at a younger age. I was always calling my friends out on it in high school. I can't imagine what it would be like now with the whole cyber bullying side. And I worry for my Miss A, but realise that's not going to get me very far. I'm so sorry you experienced this, but as always comes through so loud and clear, I'm so glad you have such a wonderful man who loves you. xx
I completely know how you have been feeling. I just started college after having taken a year off between high school and college. I used to feel sick nearly every morning before school. I could never figure out why I felt fine over the summer but as soon as schoolstarted, I just felt off. Now that I had a year without it, I am starting to have it before my classes again. I figured out that it isnt a sick feeling, but an anxious, uneasy feeling. I have thoughts running through my head at nearly all hours of the day and I can't seem to control them. My doctor is in the process of finding me somewhere to go to talk to someone, of course, I have some other issues along with that. Just know you are not alone and we will all overcome it.
Oh, I feel for you. I had my fair share of bullying as a kid, so it was little wonder that I grew up to get into relationships where my partners bullied me. (Not every relationship, but certainly some significant ones). It's a destructive pattern, isn't it, and having kids made me realise it was important to stand up for myself and them so they would learn that it's not appropriate to be treated like that. And that people can only make you feel worthless if you let them!
Megan, thank you for sharing this difficult story. Bullying is such a horrible experience. As a teacher I am accutely aware of it's effects, and am constantly vigilant about it in my class. We must all really pay attention.
It really is important to let people know they aren't alone, isn't it. Thanks Angela.
Hope the headache is feeling better, MM!
Thanks so much for your kind words - and good luck on your path to leaving all that behind, too.
Samantha, I'm so sorry to hear it happened in your home and has happened again recently. Good on you for standing up for yourself, and here's hoping no one else like that enters your life.
Good luck with it Jess - talking it out is a great idea. You WILL overcome it.
Thanks Shelley - it's a worry when you think of our gorgeous little ones isn't it. I so desperately hope they don't have to deal with it, but at the same time I know we'd help them through it if need be. x
Thanks Mamawolfe, it's great to hear you're on top of it with the kids in your class.
Bron, I'm so sorry it's happened on a recurring basis for you - you're right, having kids makes us really aware of these things, and we need to be equipped to help them. x
Whatever is the story in your head when they bullied you, it isn't true. You are a capable, clever, talented woman. What they were doing is more about them than you, their own insecurities projected.
Ummm, how do we live such parallel lives my friend? This happened to me too, particularly in primary school. It was so bad that it impacted my health because as a 10 year old I had no idea what to do with all the taunting & outright horribleness. My Mum used to tell me that it was because the other kids didn't know how to deal with someone who was smarter and more self aware than they were and I believed her thank goodness. It used to make me cry daily but it never made me want to change who I was. By the time I got to year 10 I'd learned to fly under the radar a bit but I was still bullied, particularly by the girls older than me. It is the type of stuff that no matter how strong you are impacts you at the deepest level at a time when you're already unsure and trying to find your place in the world. How I wish I'd known you then and how I wish you could somehow foresee the wonderful you you have become.
Hey Megan, what a fantastic post, thank you so much for sharing it. It totally get where you are coming from. I didn't have the constant bullying that it sounds as though you did, but during my school years there were definitely some very tough years. I have big problems with confidence now. Like you, I don't think any one who met me would realise, they would see the friendly, confident exterior, but it is pretty common for me to doubt myself, and to feel that I am not likable, that people are just people polite, etc, etc,
Some people feel that bullying makes people stronger, but I am like you, and don't feel this is the case. Yes, you might pick up a few survival strategies along the way, but a lot of us are just really lucky to manage to come out the other side. We don't emerge unscathed, we carry the wounds deep within us, and they can resurface at any time, in many ways, such as panic attacks, and other anxieties.
I love your line 'they are not called logic attacks'. Absolutely true.
Thanks again for sharing it.
xx Sannah
Megan,
It's great that you wrote about your childhood experiences. Keeping the boogeyman in the closet just makes him scarier than if you bring him into the light. Unfortunately, we all have someone (or someones) from our childhood that have an indelibly negative impact on our lives and egos. It is a credit to you that you rose above all of that to become the person that you are. I encourage you to keep seeking support from friends and loved ones and keep doing what you are doing. We all have self-doubts but we must plod along the path we have chosen no matter how much we want to turn and run. I wish you much success!
Cindy -- explorevirginia.blogspot.com
Megan, I wish this hadn't happened to you, it's horrid, and as Zoey commented, it doesn't make you stronger, it makes you learn your unlikeable - and that's hard to unlearn. I know about that.
I also know what a great time I have when with you, you are my Livin' on a Prayer singing partner, and that's not easy to find! I get the neuroticism, completely. I still expect the worst from people, expect them to laugh about me as soon as my back is turned. So next time there's an event, we can be all neurotic together.
The megan I know is strong, intelligent, full of fun, And for what it'd worth, I like her a lot.
Megan I wanted to comment when I first read this, but couldn't find the right words to say. I endured horrible bullying in high school, but was too embarrassed to tell my parents because I felt like I'd failed them in some way. When I did they were amazing. And I survived the bullies and outgrew it and them. I have to say though, going into therapy last year really helped me go back and deal with lots of my insecurities and anxieties which stemmed from that time. I only hope I can teach my kids to be thoughtful, kind member of their school community and that they can come to me if they are ever enduring bullying themselves. I feel privileged you shared this xxx ps my high school reunion is coming up next year. Safe to say I won't be going!
Thanks for speaking up!
You and I are all too similar Megan and it scares me. You write as though you can see inside my head... I could've easily written this.. If I had the guts to share it... Well done for having the guts to share it.. I don't share my stuff because I don't articulate myself well enough for people to understand me. I feel misunderstood, misinterpreted. So I just don't. I keep it locked in a box inside my head.. Anyway.. *hugs* and when are u free for coffee? xxx
I can relate to what you've written and my heart aches for you. It is so hard to get past the hurtful words. I attended my 20 year school reunion 2 years ago and was pleased to discover that I could stand tall and be proud of who I am - that i'd moved on from the school yard taunts and embarrassments.
Yet, as I've been dealing with depression this year, I have returned to the fundamental result of all those years of bullying and taunting - the thought that being myself just isn't good enough. I'm too confident, too outspoken, too demanding, too distinctive. If I'm not comfortable with something, it is somehow a flaw in me rarther than a simple matter of preference.
you are amazing - worthwhile, intelligent, entertaining, compassionate, caring, funny, delightful. You are so much more than any of those small minded bullies could ever have appreciated and you are making a difference in your world. Stand tall and be proud. xxx
Thanks so much Kristyn :)
Thanks so much Sannah, and good luck with your efforts to move on. x
It would have been amazing to have known you since back then, my lovely friend. At least we both turned out absolutely awesome... that'll show 'em all!
Ditto right back at ya, my lovely friend. x
Thanks so much, Cindy - beautiful, wise words there.
Thanks Miss Em, it's just about being ready to say it I think. I needed to do it. x
Thanks Lorna :)
Your kids are super lucky, Sarah, that they have a mum who can help them through anything life throws at them. Luckily for you and I, our parents were the same - I hate to think how hard it must be to overcome this stuff if your home life wasn't supportive.
Susan, as you know I've travelled down a similar path to you recently - it makes you question everything about yourself. You'll come out the other side - soon - better and stronger and even more confident that who you are is wonderful. Because it is. x
This is an important post, Megan, and I'm glad you wrote it. And I hope writing it has freed you somehow from some of those demons. I find sharing a thing is often good therapy.
I was never bullied. Teasing and mean girls on occasion, sure, I wonder if anyone gets through school completely unscathed? But the systematic taunting you write of - thankfully, no, never. I so admire your ability to march forward in the face of such cruelty.
I can, however, very strongly relate to the panic attacks and the low self-esteem - they can be crippling. I, too, have an extraordinary man who helps me through. And whenever I have written about it, the comments I receive back help me to realise that I am not alone.
Just as you've discovered in writing this. Beautiful work, lovely one.
It looks like none of us are alone in this. So many of us are affected. I am incredibly honoured that you shared this fragile secret with us Megan, I hope you are pleased that you had the courage to do it. I live with underlying feelings of inadequacy that stems from all sorts of name-calling, bullying and rejection through school and relationships, including family. Sadly I believed every single bad word said about me. I agree that being gentle with ourselves is so important. Being our own best friend is hard, but it really helps. Having the unconditional love from a child is very healing too. And thankfully, we have amazingly sensitive and supportive partners who see the pure good within us. Thank you - again- Megan for sharing your stuff xoxox
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