30/30 Self portrait

June 30 is always a good day for me, full of anticipation and excitement. (No, not because of tax time! - you'll see why tomorrow.)

This month has been crazy, busy, full of massive highs and low lows. I'm looking forward to a wonderful July, filled with big smiles.

29/30 Black and white

Thanks to my mother-in-law I have a lovely morning tea (date cake with chocolate and almonds - yum!) to look forward to today.

28/30 Flowers

In the car, she handed her old sunglasses to me and said, "Mummy, they don't work." What she meant was, they're too small and she can't get them on properly.

"Shall we look for some new ones while we're at the shops?" I asked, and she thought that was a great idea. So did I, once I managed to move here away from the $90 mini-Ray Bans (!) towards the $12 rack.

There, she took ten minutes to try various pairs on (continuing her accessory obsession) and after much consideration she chose the pink ones. Pink with flowers.

I'm tired and I hate co-sleeping

It's going to be a looooong day

I'm tired and grumpy today. Why? Because my toddler was in my bed half the night. Co-sleeping. And I could do serious harm to the person who even coined a term for such a thing (lack of sleep and rationality do not go hand-in-hand).

We never co-slept when Abbey was a baby; she was in her cot from day one. Some parents hate the thought of their baby being in a room alone, in a big cot, so young - but I loved it. I recognised very early on that I needed my own space, and having that time while Abbey was asleep meant I could be a better parent when she was awake.

Middle of the night feeds (although short-lived - don't hate me), I got up for, preferring to be fully awake and then have good quality sleep when it was over.

So baby co-sleeping wasn't done here.

But somewhere between teething and toddlerhood, that message got lost. She'd wake in the middle of the night and walk to our room, and a very tired Steve would help her climb into our bed. I'm no help - I sleep through her waking. But once she's in our bed, it's a different story.

Neither Steve nor I sleep while she's there. The minute one of us begins to nod off, there comes a kick or a roll over that pushes us to the very edge of the bed. And you're left hanging there, not wanting to push her over and wake her. I lie there hoping that her being so close next to me means Steve will be able to fall asleep, and then spend the next few hours alternately worrying about random things that seem important but that I don't even remember in the morning, and checking the clock to lament how many hours it will be until she'll wake.

It's that limbo state between sleep and awake. Not asleep enough to be rested, but not awake enough to have a logical thought, like: Just get up and put her into her own bed and then we'll all get some sleep.

A couple of months ago, Steve and I realised she ended up in our bed most nights and we were falling into this cycle of tiredness. So we called an end to it, and I asked Steve to wake me when Abbey woke and I'd take her back to bed and stay up to deal with any fuss that incurred. A short-term struggle for the long-term aim of sleep. Glorious sleep.

It was done, and it worked well. But the odd night of lazily and sleepily letting her into our bed throws our lives into chaos.

Steve has to go to work, and it's worrying thinking about him being so tired when he works up ladders, with sharp blades and dangerous materials, and often has to drive a fair distance from home.

And me, well, it's hard to be a good parent when you're exhausted. Any parent will attest to that (and many know sleep deprivation far worse than I've experienced). I spend the day biting my tongue, trying to talk nicely to my well-rested, energetic daughter, angry at myself for not waking and putting her back to bed, irrationally angry at Steve for not waking me to put her back to bed, and feeling sorry for myself that I have a toddler who doesn't nap.

Co-sleeping? Yep, I hate it.

Do you, or did you, co-sleep? Love it or hate it? And does anyone actually manage to get a good night's sleep with a child in their bed?

27/30 From a distance

We see the tips of these trees from a distance. As we go about our lives in our home, there is another world outside. Kookaburras, cockatoos, parrots, owls and possums are in those trees, flying and climbing about, almost invisible to us.

Book suggestions please!

Connection? Yep! Couldn't put this
one down.

I'm a very impatient reader.

Chapter one of any book is the Decision Point for me - either I'm hooked or I'm not. And if I find myself preferring to turn the light off than read any further, I'll fling the book aside and pick up another.

It's pretty straightforward, except that sometimes this decision is made for strange reasons. Or even a complete lack of reason. Books are somewhat mysterious things, with a lack of science that defies all logic. There are books that are perfectly well written, with what sounds like a great storyline - but I just can't get past that first chapter.

For a child, page one is Decision Point. There are some books I choose for Abbey that I'm sure she'll love - they have gorgeous pictures and a good storyline - but she'll fling them aside by the end of that first page if they don't grab her. And then there are books that I try to hide from her because they're so awful (don't judge unless you too have been subjected to some of the horrible books out there!), but she'll track them down and demand them again and again.

To me, it's all about connection.

It's the reason that a publisher can't tell you what they're looking for in a manuscript, that intangible factor that eludes all description.

Some capture our imaginations, and others don't. Some we can see when we close our eyes, we can feel as we read the text, and whether we love or hate the characters they feel real to us. Connection is not something that can be forced or contrived. If it's not there, it's just not there. End of story.

I'm in need of new books to feel a connection with. I have some reading space wide open and nothing to fill it.

So tell me - what are your current favourite reads?

(I've kickstarted things with my latest fave, see the picture above - Kylie Ladd's new book, Last Summer. Love!)

26/30 Close-up

The keys to my writing.

25/30 Something pink

Some pretty - and delicious! - baking today. A macaron-baking class, with these colourful creations being the end result:

Yum!

Why is everyone nagging me?

Maybe I should just pull a funny face at the naggers?

We were out walking, Abbey and I, and we came back to our street at the same time as a neighbour. We walked next to her and chatted, just a couple of friendly neighbours who happened to bump into each other. As we came to our houses, she looked down to my stomach and back up again and said, "So are you EVER going to have another child?"

*

At swimming lessons, in the change room after the class. She and I, two mums getting their kids dressed. I've seen her twice, at the lessons her daughter and mine have shared, but all we'd ever said was a polite 'hello'. This time, there was more: "Just the one? Will you have another?" Before I could answer, this was added in Abbey's direction: "Would you like a baby brother or sister?" Abbey quickly agreed and put in her order for a baby sister. The lady looked at me smugly and walked away.

*

Another mum, an acquaintance to whom I had spoken a few times but no more than that. We're talking about the weather and she comes out with it - "Are you going to have another child?"

*

He's a doctor and I go to see him about my knee. I haven't seen him for years, but I go back because he fixed this injury last time. He meets Abbey for the first time, asks how old she is, and then straight away he says, "You're going to have another one, right?" And I think, I know you're a doctor but can't we just talk about my knee?

*

I'm at a child's birthday party. I get chatting to some other mums and I look outside as I talk, just to make sure Abbey is okay. "Do you just have the one?" one of them asks and I nod as I point out which child is mine. The mum looks around at her friends and I realise I'm an outsider for a reason other than not having met them before. "Remember having just one kid to look after?!" they laugh. "Oh, that was bliss!" Then back to me: "You'll have more, won't you? You have to have more!"

*

Why is everyone so obsessed with how many children I have and when I have them? I just wish they'd shut up and stop nagging me.

24/30 Animal

This is one animal who loves her food!

23/30 Sunflare

Just one small problem with the 'sunflare' theme...

It's called Melbourne in winter.

22/30 Hands

This little hand touches my face to wake me each morning, it holds mine and entrusts me to keep her safe, and it reaches for me when she needs reassurance.

I remember

We'd be sitting on the couch - I always hated the colour, not quite brown, not quite green, not quite yellow, not really anything - trying to out-wait each other.

She won every time. I was always the impatient one. I'd complain as I did it: "Why do I always have to?" It wasn't until years later that I realised I should have just dished up my own dinner rather than everyone's, but at the time it didn't even occur to me.

I can smell those meals, the ones carefully thought out - something we'd all enjoy, a dinner that could be cooked ahead of time as Mum rushed around getting ready for work. Hot and hearty, but quick. I still love that combination in a meal; it comforts me.

I can see it, too. The dash from the bedroom to the kitchen to quickly stir it in between doing her makeup, then rushing back again sighing as she glanced at the clock on the way. I'd watch as she transformed from Mum and Housewife to Professional. I was in awe of that.

Then she was gone and the waiting game began. I was always the impatient one, always ready to eat as soon as the meal was ready. I could smell it and I just couldn't wait any longer. Always in a rush - let's get this done and move onto the next thing.

Always in a rush to get off that nothingness couch.

This is a writing exercise for InkPaperPen's Write On Wednesdays - click the button below to read the other participants' pieces.

21/30 Faceless self-portrait

20/30 Bokeh

Day 20 of the June photography challenge asked for the Bokeh technique - essentially spots of light in the photo. I tried and tried, and failed to be able to do it, so I went in search of other spots to have in my photo instead.

Will spots of rain do?

Things my toddler is better at than me

I have had thirty years to practice my life skills. Abbey has had just two years. And yet, there are some things she is much better at already...

Swimming.
Let's start off with the really embarrassing one. I admit, I can't won't put my face underwater without blocking my nose. Abbey was doing this by the ripe old age of five months. One day, she is going to tease me about this. For now, I'll just have to put up with Steve mocking me.

Puzzles.
Abbey has a very logical mind, and puzzles are one of her favourite things. She'll look at a puzzle and figure it out, having it completed in record time. Me? I might play around with the edge pieces, vaguely look at the other bits, and then find an excuse to do something else. (And yes, I'm talking about toddler puzzles here.)

Hula hooping.
Well, she can't actually do this. But she does do a much better job of looking funny whilst trying, as opposed to just completely uncoordinated and ridiculous.

Falling over.
Falling is all about the landing, something I never quite cottoned on to as a kid - or as an adult. I am known for moving my hands out of the way when I fall over... and landing on my face instead. Abbey is smarter, and puts her hands out to stop her fall.

Remembering things.
I have a shocking memory. I'll read a book for the twentieth time and still wonder what happens at the end. (I might have blogged about this before, but I can't really remember. Boom-tish.) Abbey, meanwhile, seems to have photographic recall over every single detail of her life thus far.

Using technology.
At age two, my daughter tells me how to use my iPhone - "No, Mummy, like this." I guess that's what happens when one generation grew up excited that their family got a VCR at some point during mid-childhood, and the other has been exposed to computers and mobile devices since birth.

There are lots more things, but for the sake of my reputation let's leave it there!

What things is your child better at than you?

Help with the unthinkable

Think about the unthinkable: "Every day in Australia nine children under the age of four die suddenly and unexpectedly from causes including sleeping accidents, drowning, motor vehicle accidents, sudden onset illness, SIDS and stillbirth."

Nine children. Every day.

The unthinkable. The loss, the devastation, the after effects. The people needing help.

Head to the Red Nose Day website to donate, or buy a red nose on or before Friday June 24. It's something simple you can do to help.

19/30 Something orange

Abbey's latest food obsession - she won't stop eating mandarins!

18/30 My Shoes

Sensible shoes for a day at a 7th birthday party...

Renovation Reveal: The Laundry

Shock, horror! After so long between completed rooms, we've finalised two within such a short time!

You can catch up on the other completed rooms as part of our big renovation here: the bathroom, Abbey's bedroom and the ensuite.

The laundry is in the existing part of the house, part of the room move around we did (we changed every room except one). It used to be the bathroom, and it looked like this:

I know. Very 80s.

So we've transformed it to the laundry (the old laundry has been knocked down for part of our new living room - confused yet?), and while it sounds like a boring room, I have to say it's great having a laundry that's well fit-out. It's full of storage space and clothes hanging space (we don't have, or want, a dryer) and we've tried to utilise the space as well as we can. We're not making any bold style statements here - it's a laundry and it just needs to be clean and practical.

Here it is:

Yes, that's a Hills Hoist out there! Hopefully it

will go one day and a pool will take its place.

Can you believe that hanging clothes rack was the thing we were waiting for, to finally say the room was done? It's from IKEA and was out of stock any time we were nearby! But, we finished the room at last.

Hiking, life & why my plans have changed

Taking a physical challenge to prove something is nothing new. People have been doing this in many forms since the beginning of the human race, from sports to tribal tattoos to wrestling to losing weight, and so on.

Humans love to use physical strength as a sign of mental strength. Whether it's proving something to yourself or to others, we like to say 'if I can do that, I can do anything'.

Hiking is like this for me. Heading out into the bush for days, exerting myself, sleeping on hard surfaces and eating dehydrated food, stepping over snakes along a track, and walking despite massive blisters and exhaustion and sixteen kilos or more on my back.

Sounds fun, right? Okay, maybe not - but the benefits are addictive: seeing amazing places that are hard to reach, pushing myself, getting fit and strong, and spending time with my husband as we walk along side by side.

I've learnt a lot from hiking; about how much I can do, how far I can push. I've discovered I can do anything if I try really hard, and I gain a lot of satisfaction from knowing that life is about pushing limits.

This last weekend I did part of Victoria's Great Ocean Walk with my parents (you can see photos of that here).

I went with the aim of clearing my head, and clear my head I did. There's something about being out in the wilderness with everything you need to survive right there in a pack on your back, seeing the wild coast and rugged terrain on what feels like the edge of the earth, that puts things back into perspective.

Focusing on nothing but your next step is good for the soul.

And I also found that there is still more that hiking can teach me. I realised there's more to it than pushing on and on.

Walking for kilometre after kilometre with one knee that hurts so much each step brings tears to your eyes, and another knee that is building up fluid so fast you can hear it in there, is just not good. For the first time on a hike I stopped and said I couldn't go any further - I had found my limitation and I had to just be happy with what I'd done.

Having cleared all the uncertainty and negativity from my head was, to me, a big achievement in itself. So I headed home with a smile on my face and a feeling of lightness, ready to make a new start and create a better picture of myself.

I came home knowing that the decisions I've made recently are right for me. You see, although I was working on something huge (a new business with some wonderful, talented people) and I promised you all a big announcement soon - it won't be happening. I've let down the people I was working with, put aside all the hours we've worked and the plans we've made, and put myself and my family first.

There will be no big career announcement coming, because I realised my limitations. One person can only do so much and there reaches a point where you have to be happy with what you have.

I'll still strive for more, I still believe in pushing myself and dreaming - but now I know that just because I can do anything, I don't have to do everything. Or be everything. It's about choosing what's important and doing those things really, really well.

Sometimes physical achievements prove things. But sometimes realising you're just one human, and you have to work within some limitations, can show you just how strong you really are.

17/30 Technology

Addicted to technology? Me?

16/30 Long exposure

A wet, green winter.

Renovation Reveal: The Ensuite

For those who are new here, you may not realise we undertook a major home renovation last year - you can read all those posts here if you like. And those who have been reading for a while may have even forgotten we did that, given it's been so long between completed rooms.

Two rooms have been finished so far: the bathroom and Abbey's bedroom. Since then we've been painting, furniture shopping and, at times, ignoring the incomplete rooms and pretending they're either done or don't exist. It's all down to little things now - a mirror here, a wall hanging there, a new piece of furniture in that room, a little more paint on that bit - before I reveal the rest of the rooms.

Anyway. I'm very pleased to say that once again we have a working ensuite! This was not part of the extension; it's an existing room that we redid. Here's the before:

The space was a poky walk-through wardrobe and a tiny ensuite off that (excuse the mess in the photo!). We decided that if we're to have an ensuite we might as well make it worthwhile - so we built a new wardrobe elsewhere and used this entire space as one big ensuite.

Here's how it looks now:

View from the shower

Done!

15/30 Silhouette

Playing with silhouettes inside today...

The Great Ocean Walk

Recently, we rediscovered the Great Ocean Road here in Victoria. But one thing I've wanted to do for years is the Great Ocean Walk - a 104km hike between Apollo Bay and the famous Twelve Apostles.

I had the chance to do part of the walk over this last weekend - not as much as I would have liked but enough to give me a taste of how much I want to do the rest of it.

This is the relatively small stretch from Johanna Beach to Moonlight Head, around 20kms of stunning coast and bushland.

So beautiful seeing a mummy kangaroo feed her little joey