A letter to the darkness

I wrote this a few months ago and wasn't sure about posting it. Now, I am. I know I need to get it out there. To say goodbye...

To the Darkness,

You'll notice I didn't address you as 'dear' Darkness. I'm afraid you'll find I'm not up to using terms of affection for you.

So. You're back.

I noticed that you left me for a while and I thought you'd gone forever, but it seems you just took a holiday. To visit another lost soul, perhaps. You've now returned and you might have been surprised by the frosty reception you received. I want to explain.

I guess you feel at home here. We spent a lot of time together, you and I, and I know you enjoyed it all. You'd talk to me and I'd listen, that's how it worked between us, the sharp truth of your words digging a little deeper each day. You had a lot of words for me: useless, idiot, stupid, no good, loser... the list goes on. I believed you. I agreed with all those words.

I was lonely, I guess, and your company gave me something. Someone. I clung to you, as you did me. We needed each other, we protected each other from the outside world, and although I can't say they were good times I can say they taught me a lot. About both of us.

I know you needed a break - you sure worked hard enough to deserve it - but in that time things changed a bit. A lot, really.

See, I got used to you not being around. I got used to the outside world, and guess what? I found out I'm brave enough for it - and for anything. I tried lots of things. I somehow found a way to crawl out and try all the things that you and I were scared of - and they were good. I had fun, I laughed, I found my passions in life again.

I learnt a lot while you were gone. I got used to not hearing those words you like so much, and I started listening to my own voice. After all that time, I was still there, just waiting to be heard.

When you came back this week I was shocked. Like I said, I thought you'd decided to leave for good. I was wrong, and I wonder if you might try that every now and then. I must remember that. I took you in, I listened to your words and I believed them again. But not for long. Now you're gone again.

I kicked you out, and although that might seem harsh I hope you'll know it's what's best for me. I had to do it. The alternative is too scary.

In truth, you don't belong here. I'm too strong for you now. And what I once thought was the truth, I can see clearly as lies. I am good enough, I can do whatever I want, I am loved.

So you can take your loud voice and your negative antics and go. Far away.

And if - when - you come back again, know that the reception will only become icier.

Megan