I wrote this post back on the 2nd February - but waited until now to publish it. For reasons that will become obvious as you read on.
I was grumpy today. Everything felt like an effort. Tired, snappy, cranky. I yelled at Steve, I yelled at Abbey - two things I try hard not to do.
After a long time of trying to fall pregnant, it's around that time again. The time of waiting, wondering, hoping, trying not to hope too much. Not knowing puts me on edge. No excuse for yelling at the people I love, but there you have it - I'm human, sometimes I snap.
I was grumpy yesterday too. I took a pregnancy test but it was inconclusive. That did nothing to settle my mind (or my mood, clearly). I told myself I'd wait a few more days and do one again.
But today, it was all I could think about. To the point where I drove myself and everyone around me insane. And it was there - sitting on the floor cuddling Abbey in remorse, tears running down her face from the shock of me yelling - that I knew what I should do.
I calmed her down, I grabbed my car keys and I said to Steve, 'I'll be back in ten.'
I came back armed with a two-pack of pregnancy tests. It occurred to me that I've probably spent hundreds of dollars on these things over the years - about four years of my life have been spent trying to conceive; that's a lot of months of hoping and checking. I wondered if it would be yet another disappointment ahead.
I walked straight into the bathroom. Did what a girl has to do. 'Um,' I called out. 'Um, Steve!' He didn't hear me.
I ran out to the lounge room. 'Steve, you'd better come and see this.'
He followed me in, a grin on his face. 'Is that... do you think that's two lines?' I asked him. He nodded, kind of disbelievingly. Then we studied the instructions, just to make sure. 'Holy crap!' I said, clearly very eloquent in the moment.
And we stood there in each other's arms... until Abbey came in, asking what that thing we were looking at was. (Nothing, sweetie. Just a sign that all our lives are about to change forever.)
I want to tell this tiny little being inside me how lucky he or she is. The best dad I've ever met, a sister who I have a sneaking suspicion is going to be an awesome older sibling, an extended family (and I include friends in that) who will all be thrilled to have another little one to cuddle and to love.
And a mum who couldn't possibly be happier.
PS: 10 weeks now, due early October. Feeling fantastic! More posts to come on this topic, of course...
PPS: the picture above is Abbey drawing a baby in my tummy.