Yesterday I wrote a little light-hearted piece about anger. As 'luck' would have it, it seemed to be a theme in my day...
I've always had pretty intense emotions, and anger was the one that really plagued me. I guess one part of my childhood I remember is being pretty angry with the world in general, especially being in some situations I just couldn't control (I've written about being bullied here). It all built up so much that some days I would lash out, physically and verbally, at whoever was there.
The 80s decade is known for its loudness, not sensitivity, so it probably isn't a surprise to those who lived it to hear that my anger was generally met with an instruction: 'Stop.'
Just don't be angry. Simple. Except of course it isn't, and learning how to control that anger has been one of my biggest struggles in life. When people say they think I'm a calm person, I feel surprised but also really proud: that's a big achievement for me.
I've also known the opposite in the last couple of years: complete numbness. That was the worst, and I would much rather feel anger (amongst many other emotions of course) and let it out appropriately than feel nothing at all.
It's in this context that I can say I now find some purpose (enjoyment, almost) in every emotion I feel. Just because it's there and it's real and it's me.
And it's with this background that I'm introduced to a new side of anger.
Parenting it.
I've just started seeing anger, real anger, in my three-and-a-half year-old girl's eyes. When we say no to something, her reaction has transformed as she grows - from tantrums to indifference to anger. Not every time we say no, of course, but definitely when it hits a trigger in her (tiredness is a factor in a big reaction, for example).
So I really need to be armed with some ways to deal with it.
Here's what I've got:
- We discipline her actions if she hits or lashes out. Those things are a big no-no in this family.
- We discipline the actions, not the feelings. I'm very careful to tell her, repeatedly if necessary, that it's okay to feel that way. That I get it.
- And then... I'm lost.
If I'm completely honest (and hey, why stop now!), I think this is the point I see myself. I freak out about where this could head if I don't help her well enough. Logically I know that just because she feels angry for a few minutes doesn't mean she's headed towards a problem, and I know that my life is not going to become hers. But in that moment? The pressure is on me to help her.
What I want is some practicality. Sure, I can tell her I know how she feels, but I want to give her some practical advice for dealing with it. How to channel those emotions.
For the adult me, it's all about exercise really. If negative emotions are building up (or preferably before it reaches that point), I need a big walk or a run.
But for a young child? Ummm...
Any ideas are very, very welcome! Please!
I struggle with this too Megan. I was a very angry teenager and managed to somehow work through it but I'm really struggling with how to deal with anger in Bebito. His Dad shows frustration very loudly and Bebito often thinks he's angry so it's not like we model the behaviour that well either. We have had all manner of issues through Bebito's life with hitting and biting and like you have disciplined the behaviour rather than him. At the moment I ask him to calm down and encourage him to go to his room (not in a punishment way) until he feels he can talk to me about what has angered him. I want him to be able to come down from that point of anger on his own so see it as a super important life skill. I look forward to reading the advice others provide. Xxx
ReplyDeleteI too have a shocking temper, as in I get easily frustrated and swear at pots and pans (not in front of the kids but pathetic never the less).
ReplyDeleteMy son is the same and hurls cars in anger. I wrote a pots about it last week and will be checking back here for advice for sure ;)
Give the feeling the name, read the book "Sometimes I feel angry", Ask what "angry feels like inside you" talk about what it feels like inside you in anyone else willing to come to the party....
ReplyDeleteSo she knows that everyone has it and that there are signs that your feeling angry and warning signs that angry is coming....
Then everyone can chat about what we do with angry to set it free...
Make a flash card with those things on it that you can give her to consult when she feels angry coming... prevention is the best cure yes, my kids of Autism, this might not work for neuro typicals... we also use a calming book full of Isaacs happy thoughts (pictures he's cut out) that make him happy...
Anger is a ok! Thats why theres all the talking with people the child trusts!
oxoxox
oxox
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ReplyDeleteMegan, I think this is something most mum's of a 3 and a half year old could relate to! I know mine struggles with his anger and frustrations a lot. I'm not sure how to deal with it. All I've really been doing is helping him to articulate his feelings and frustrations and showing that by verbalising his feelings rather than acting out, then we can usually help him - he can't always get what he wants but at least we can all understand and usually a compromise is negotiated. A technique that I'm hoping will rub off on his hot headed parents too!!! We are both in need of improving in this area and by seeing the importance to be good role models for our boys is definitely helping us be better, calmer people in the process. But it's often very tricky for all of us here.
ReplyDeleteBut I definitely need some more tips on parenting through this tough stage so will check back here for more advice as people comment!
Thanks for starting a very valuable conversation!
xoxo
As I said to you on Twitter last night we are dealing with the same issues here! And besides being mightily relieved I am not alone, I have no answers. I'll be checking back to see what gems are revealed!
ReplyDeleteI think you're on the right path with this already...
ReplyDeleteThe thing with little kids is that feeling angry can be quite scary and overwhelming. You can't expect them to be able to deal appropriately with those feelings without help (and often even with help) for a long long time to come.
But I think the key is that you try to help them deal with it. Let them experience it, tell them it is ok to feel that way and show them or help them to let it out in a more appropriate way than say screaming or hitting etc.
Giving her the words to use when you see she is frustrated can help diffuse situations before she gets too upset and overwhelmed. Helping her to find words to explain how she is feeling and why can help a lot.
But often things get past talking, then I still use the words... "You seem angry because... blah blah" but I don't expect those words to resolve anything. That's when I usually step in and say "It's not ok to scream in your sisters face but you can go outside and yell if you need to".
I know it sounds a little contrived, but getting them to yell into a pillow, or punch a bean bag, or jump up and down really hard can help get the physical 'clenched' angry feeling out, just like when you exercise it out. And since little kids are still so very physical getting them to do something physical to 'let it out' can be your best bet...
Hope that helps...
There is a book called Parenting With Love and Logic that I can not recommend highly enough. It is actually a whole series of books on how to apply the Love and Logic ideas to all different settings, but namely to parents and teachers. It is the program that my parents turned to after my sisters extreme fits of anger nearly destroyed our family and I can honestly say that it saved us. The school that I work at now just started using it as a school-wide discipline program and the change that we have seen is amazing. The program is all about helping children to deal constructively with their emotions, how to take responsibility for their positive or negative actions and to respond with empathy, while allowing you as the parent to stay in a nurturing, loving role instead of losing your center and yelling or arguing with the child. It is a wonderful, wonderful tool.
ReplyDeleteI am not really sure what the answer is, for us it has been reminding Miss 6 that she is allowed to feel angry as she tends to get sad, very very sad, rather than angry, I would much prefer the anger, because it seems a more powerful rather than victim type emotion. But hey, I haven't got one that is showing much anger yet, I could easily change my mind.
ReplyDeleteI am not really sure what the answer is, for us it has been reminding Miss 6 that she is allowed to feel angry as she tends to get sad, very very sad, rather than angry, I would much prefer the anger, because it seems a more powerful rather than victim type emotion. But hey, I haven't got one that is showing much anger yet, I could easily change my mind.
ReplyDeleteI too, struggle to deal with the anger issue. I am a real 'hot head' who gets easily frustrated and find it hard to contain my own anger at times, let alone the anger of my children. My eldest son has autism, and has trouble dealing with it appropriately, instead choosing to scream in people's faces and getting violent. Not badly, but always enough to cause tears for his little brother. We always say to use words, not hands, but sometimes he can't help himself. I really feel like a terrible role model at times. I would be really interested in knowing more about the books that Zephyr mentioned....they sound like they could help!
ReplyDeleteI wish I had the answer.....
If you can find someone (psychologist) in your area that is trained in the Circle of Security program I think you would find it invaluable. It uses the concept of Time In and "loaning your child your strength" etc, its beautiful (when taught well/have an experienced facilitator exploring it with you. It relies on the idea of co-regulation. The other great book is Raising an Emotionally Intelligent child by Daniel Goleman and How to talk so children will listen and listen so children will talk (classic old book but still very applicable powerful messages). All the best x
ReplyDeleteSome terrific ideas in these comments.
ReplyDeleteI've seen some intense frustration in my 3 yo son lately - and like you see myself reflected.
I want him to have more effective strategies than I had.
:-) xx
This is something very familiar to me. Not only because I was so angry and frustrated often in my childhood, but because I can see my boys struggling at times to deal with their own.
ReplyDeleteI'm dealing with autism though, so I don't know that my advice or tactics are helpful for anyone else. They're not even always helpful here.
But around that age, you can begin to talk it out and reason. Like you, I always acknowledge the feeling. We're pretty big on gentle parenting here (though like you again, poor behaviour is not tolerated). I always tell them that I can see they're feeling angry and frustrated. I think it helps that I'm honest with them at the same time about how I'm feeling, not only mid-tantrum. But I often tell them what emotion I'm feeling at the time, so they do become comfortable with the fact that we all have to deal with it at some stage, and also they learn my strategies for dealign with it.
The big thing for us (again, just us) is relaxing the body a little. I used to feel my anger and frustration so intensely. In my shoulders and neck and jaw. Like I wanted to crawl out of my skin.
So by the time Xander was about 3-4, we would concentrate on physically calming down first. Eye contact. Hugs. Then breathing. Good feelings in. Bad feelings out. Slowly, deeply. Good feelings in (usually accompanied by a hug, kiss, something positive) inhale. Bad feelings out....large exhale.
It sounds silly, perhaps. But it did help Alexander a lot.
It doesn't always take away all of his anger and frustration of course. There's usually a reason that's there and we have to deal with it. But it's often enough to calm him enough to really have the conversation. And then we negotiate. I need to be prepared to REALLY hear what he's saying. And think about whatever has made him upset (usually it is as a result of a consequence I've given him for something else. That tends to upset him more than anything) and if there is wriggle room. Do I NEED to push this one? Are my reasons for this worth standing my ground and not budging at all. If they are (and probably half the time, they are non-negotiable), I gently explain that to him. I say I understand that it upsets him, and I'm sorry that he is frustrated or sad. But this is my reason, and this is how I feel. BUT, that doesn't mean we have to have a bad day. We can do this instead - then offer something that is one-on-one - reading together, working on something online together, watching a movie together. Or make plans for a coffee date later on (at end of grounding etc).
I know it all sounds very fluffy. And I DO get rolling eyes and people telling me to just smack him or tell him to suck it up. But to me, his feelings are more important than anything else to me in my life right now (I'm mostly talking about Alexander, because it's him in this particular example. obviously I feel the same way about Sammy).
I have found that dealing with him as calmly and gently as I can (and I don't always. Sometimes I fail and snap. And it never ends well, but I'm human) gets better results than anything else.
I've taken half an hour to write this. 3 phone calls, two interruptions from the boy and a cup of coffee. I don't even know if it will flow or make any sense. My apologies if not. :)
You mentioned that tiredness is a big factor in her reactions.
ReplyDeleteObserve her a little more closely and see the point at which she begins to tire and use that as a "slowing down" point. Suggest a change of activity to something quiet like sitting with a book and having a snack and drink. A ten minute refresher. A cuddle or maybe a quick nap if she falls asleep while you're reading to her. At some point she'll realise that what you're doing is relaxing and calming her, then you can switch to other tricks such as saying ""later or "not just now" instead of an outright "no". You could even begin saying "you need to calm down for a minute, then we'll deal with this" while offering an acceptable alternative to what she is requesting.
I forgot about "let's finish this first then we'll talk about it".
ReplyDeleteAll of the above comments have excellent tips too. Sometimes the anger needs to be allowed, so that Abbey can learn her own methods of calming and controlling.
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI'm a teenager myself; while I understand that Abbey is only three and a half years old, it's really quite similar.
Speaking from my own experience, though, as she gets older, she'll hate to hear that phrase "I get it", that you understand. Because in her mind, you don't, otherwise you wouldn't be doing/saying what you are doing/saying. That one little phrase, "I get it", can very well serve to make her all the angrier--I know that it's that way for me.
On the subject of how to control it, have her run around frequently and doodle. But when she seems to be near that exploding point, I highly recommend that you don't force her to. And crying is good therapy.
Do me a favor though, don't ever stop comforting her when she cries. Please. I wish my mom didn't stop for me; it's often what we need. And, I know this doesn't have to do with what your dealing with now, but be able to listen. Always listen. Just because she's younger doesn't mean her voice doesn't matter.
And one last thing: Congratulations on being pregnant!