I'm lying in bed, insomnia hitting again after a couple of weeks of full nights' sleeping. I'm not anxious about it or worried that I won't fall back to sleep. I'm not lonely, like the song says - I'm kind of enjoying the silence, in a weird way.
But I am crying. Just quietly.
I've been so relaxed of late, so calm and even. Not pushing things, just letting life happen.
But I fall back to my natural state of worry so easily. And right now, I'm uncertain.
Worried about this little baby inside me. What if I'm not as good a mum to him/her as I want to be? What if I can't - god, how do you even say this? - love it as much as I do my Abbey? How do I find something in myself that can do this all again?
How do I stop comparing, already, and feeling disappointed that I'm not enjoying this pregnancy as much? How do I move from that benchmark set by my first experience at this: the baby who gave me such an amazing introduction to motherhood.
How do I make sure I don't fall again?
Do I have the strength to do this?
How do I stop doubting myself?
I don't know.
But if I've learnt anything at all over the last few years, it's to take things one step at a time. Breathe. Try to slow my mind.
And so, I'm going to fall asleep, exhausted with emotion now. I'm going to be woken in a few hours by a certain three-year-old's cuddles and smiles, and I'll say a good morning to my littlest one who I love and want so much.
Sometimes that's enough.
Life happens. I just need to let it do it's thing, and let the worry go.
*
6am: Actually I didn't fall back asleep. Strangely, the silence I was savouring a few hours ago is gone. The noise in my head, Steve snoring (he never snores, why now?!) - it's all so loud I can't sleep through it.
I'm up. My day has begun, not quite as I thought it would, but it's here all the same.
One step at a time.
Today will be a gentle day.
I remember feelings similar things when pregnant with #2. It's hard to imagine it all. I found that when baby did arrive I had a huge love for them that just happened without trying or worrying. I don't think there was that same euphoria as the first, because the first is new and memorable for that very reason that you haven't experienced it before. But the joy of #2 was that I didn't worry about knowing how to be a mum. I slipped right into the role, knew how to hold him, knew how to comfort, feed, etc.. All that second-guessing was taken out of the equation.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think insomnia is a gift - so that we take time out to really think and feel peace. And maybe it was your baby saying hello to you? I hope so! Best of luck with your journey to meeting your little one. - Deb @ Bright and Precious
I love knowing that I was up at 3am too - not writing such beautiful words, but certainly entertaining some deep thoughts.
ReplyDeleteDo you know what the amazing thing about being a mum is? Well, what I have learnt anyway .... The love I have for each child is total and complete and overwhelmingly amazing. But, I love them completely differently also. It is weird. It is like your love tank doubles when you have your second and triples when you have your third. You think you can't love another as much, {I had those thoughts too} but you just love them with a whole other completeness. It is a beautiful thing.
Also, if you have kept one child alive for three years, you will be able to do it again! You will be great. Just having these thoughts and putting them out there means you will be able to do it. You have already thought it through.
I hope sleep comes again {and the snoring stops} and that you will rest and enjoy this special time.
Nice to have a little tweety chat with you this morning...
Hugs,
B
This is completely normal. When I was pregnant with Youngest Son, I had terrible dreams about leaving my children unattended and stuff happening to them. My Ob/Gyn suggested I was concerned about how I'd look after three? He was right.
ReplyDeleteIt IS one step at a time. That is all we can do. xox
I don't have personal experience to go by, but most everyone I know who has had 2, 3, babies, has said "you just do." A couple of very honest friends admitted to it taking longer to bond with bub #2, I think all you can do is feel what you feel, when you feel it. Awareness is key. You're a smart chook!
ReplyDeleteAh, you KNOW I've been there where you are now right? And you know I'm up at 3am too now right? and you know I am ALWAYS there any time you need???? I know without a doubt you will be just as awesome a Mama to your new little person as you are with Abbey. LOVE, lots of it to you. Hope the appointment went well lovely. xxx
ReplyDeleteAll is going to be ok.
ReplyDeleteThe End. xx
Congratulations on your pregnancy, Megan!
ReplyDeleteI felt the same way with pregnancy 2. But then he was born and I loved him and everything felt right. I didn't enjoy me second pregnancy as much as my first but I don;t believe that is any reflection on the child. I enjoy him and love him just as much but he is different, THEY are different. And that's what makes each of them so special.
You will all find your new space and place soon enough. x