Monday, April 9, 2012
Simply... The Best.
That quote is from the movie The Lorax - forgot to write that bit in the picture. Oops. Anyway...
I always wanted to be The Best at something.
My life was always about achieving. Things were hectic, but surely I could fit more in? A day of relaxing at home made me anxious: I thought I was wasting a day. It was never enough. No matter how much I did, I thought I should be doing more. More, more, more. Be The Best. And be it quickly. (To be fair, I was The Best at a few things: worrying, rushing, organising, stressing out.)
I thought that by doing as much as I could, I was making my life fuller. Instead, I crashed and burned. It's a sad thing, to be tired by life in your 20s.
I think about that crash a lot, why it happened. Like many things to do with people, it's not an easy thing to pinpoint; there are lots of little things that contributed, and some big things too. What's certain is that it turned my life on its head.
It's easy for me to put it down to some kind of delayed post-natal depression type of thing, because it happened when Abbey was little. It's simple for me to say that she triggered it - not to blame her, but to take the pressure off myself.
But those statements just aren't true. It was me.
When I gave up my career, ostensibly for her, I really did it for me. When life slowed down, it wasn't because she demanded that, it was what I needed to do. These were choices.
When other opportunities have come up, things that would really kick-start a bigger wave of this new direction I'm taking, I've turned my back on them. Choices: I'm holding out to make the right ones.
I gave up the possibilities of being The Best at any career right now. Steve and Abbey support me through everything: they were there, ready to help me be a full-time working mum. They stuck by me as I thought of running my own businesses. But each time, I've stopped at the outset.
My ultimate goal of success, with a family in the background, hasn't eventuated, and every day I kill that goal a little more. Not because I'm weak or can't take a challenge. Not because the temptation to lead a 'busy' life isn't great.
I decided not to turn my back on my family. And in doing that, with my tears pouring and my soul changing forever, I got to reach my biggest goal without even realising.
I'm The Best mum to Abbey, and will be to my next little one too. I'm The Best at being me, and living this life as well as I can. I am The Best at something. I already did it.
I turned life on its head only to find that an upside down life is The Best kind for us.
And being The Best takes sacrifice.
That, I'm willing to choose to do.
Posted at 9:18 AM