I've always thought of things in a very black and white way - if you're not happy about something, change it. If you chose something, don't complain. But dare I say it? That a little bit of grey may be creeping in?
Maybe it's okay to have a bit of a whinge every so often. Maybe it's even quite healthy. I think so.
I had the whinge session to end all whinge sessions - writing it out here (and what I published was just a tiny bit of the whinge I initially wrote!) and talking to a few people about it, including an almighty complain to my Mum.
It's been good for me.
These last few days things have felt different. I've felt better, physically (hello full nights of sleep!), but even as I type this with a dodgy stomach and a headache I still have this feeling that things have changed.
My whinge gave me the chance to sort the crap from the real issues here. When I got the frustrations of one thing out of my head I had space to think about how I clicked with Abbey, right from the moment I knew she was there. I think I did with this one, too, but then got distracted - by all the physical frustrations and lots of focus on how we need to support our little girl through this change.
It is possible to focus too much on your kids. No point trying to help her through something if I don't have a grip on it myself.
Things have clicked back into place for me lately. I can feel the baby moving around inside me and I've spent some time just quietly, doing things that have ridiculous words for them, like 'bonding' and 'connecting'. Just being, really, and getting my head around the whole thing. (Roll your eyes if you like, but it's an important part of things for me!)
Thanks everyone, for letting me reach this point.