Calm and proud of it

This time with Steve away is teaching me something.

I'm okay.

I've been battling with myself over the last couple of years. Second guessing every judgement call, questioning every single thing I do or don't do, looking for a way to do the best by everyone.

But never myself.

The biggest cause of anxiety for me was a perception of being selfish. If I was doing something purely for my own benefit, I'd panic about it - it was time wasted while I should have been with others, it was bad judgement, I must be wrong, I was putting everyone out of their own lives for no good reason. I'd look for someone - anyone - to reassure me that I was doing the right thing, and then not believe them anyway.

I needed so much reassurance that I started to worry I was losing the things I was proudest of about myself: independence and strength. That I couldn't be alone anymore.

It's taken me this long to realise it wasn't about being by myself - it was about doing things for myself. Being selfish. How dare I? Who did I think I was?

The only thing I can think of that's changed this is practice.

Do something once. Twice. Then again. A funny thing happens: it becomes less momentous and more normal.

Doing things purely for my own good or enjoyment has become part of my new normal.

So I went for a photo shoot - just me, nothing for any of my family to gain. Cool.
So I asked for help with Abbey so I could rest for a couple of hours. The world didn't collapse.
I took her out at her bedtime just so I could chat to my writers group. She thought it was fun, not selfish of me.
I go to Pilates twice a week. No one bats an eyelid.

I feel like I've finally made myself be heard. I'm strong enough now to say, 'This is what I need' and just do it.

That brings with a lot less caring about what others think. This pregnancy is teaching me that: if I can do something, great. If not, shrug it off. I can't be everything to everyone.

But when I am good to people is when I feel good myself. (Such a cliche!) Life feels amazing when I can be the mum I want to be because I'm happy to be here, when I can encourage my husband to chase his dreams without even a hint of resentment, just pure happiness for him.

It's taken a long time to learn this. More than that, it's taken a long time to stay calm about all that.

I'm okay.

And I'm going to say it: I'm really proud of myself.