Wait and see

He has two offices, one near where I live, the other further away.

I had been to the latter just once, three and a half years ago. Funny how I never remember my way anywhere, yet I drove straight to this unfamiliar place today as though on auto pilot.

Last time I was there, it was to tell him the good news: it had worked. I was pregnant.

This time, it was to ask for help again.

I drove in on the verge, telling myself to hold it together. Just for a few minutes. Funny how I've felt so numb for so many months, and suddenly it threatens to burst at the worst possible time.

Then my husband turned up, held my hand through it, and I didn't have to remind myself to hold it together anymore - I just did.

It's like stepping back in time. I still don't understand half of what he says (I'm so bad with accents), I just agree and then ask Steve to explain it to me later. I still have a chuckle at his little quirks - he spent most of this visit reprinting my name labels because he didn't like the way his receptionist had done it. And I still feel like it's an odd, unassuming place for such a huge turn in my life to pan out.

I left feeling lighter. Relieved.

But somehow more unsure than ever. I thought I knew what I was in for, but this time the rules have changed - or the medication, at least. I knew how I'd feel with the old stuff, but this? This I have no idea about.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see.