Thursday, January 17, 2013

Testing my strength

Yesterday I posted about being stronger. And then the universe laughed at me and decided to test that theory.

Suddenly I found myself plunged into a good day turned hellishly long and frustrating. Exhaustion hit, tears rolled and my mind went places I didn't want it to go.

Also playing on my mind was today's appointment with my GP. I needed to go for one simple prescription, but there was something else I knew I needed to talk about.

This, which happened to me last month:

I was cleaning Abbey's bedroom, making the most of her time at preschool to break my one big rule (NEVER do housework when child free - which I essentially was, with Iris asleep).
Then I walked out into the kitchen to grab a snack. Suddenly - just like that - I couldn't see anything in front of me.
Shit.
I reached around for my phone and managed to call Steve. "I have a migraine," I said. "And Abbey's at kinder, needs to be picked up soon."
I didn't know what the next side effects would be, so I had to tell someone quickly. Lucky I did.
My speech was the next thing to go.
As Steve asked me questions over the phone, I sat there unable to hold my head up or keep my eyes open. The baby had woken and was crying next to me. I couldn't speak.
The words floated around in my head - so many words, so many worries - I was about to miss a special preschool presentation, Abbey would be the only one without her mum there, who would pick her up, the baby needed feeding... how on earth was I going to look after my kids this afternoon?
It was up there as one of the scariest things I've ever experienced. To have your brain whirring around but being unable to communicate any of it is - even just for such a short time - torture.
It took several minutes and absolute concentration before I could get the words to travel from my brain to my mouth. And when I did manage it, it was just one word at a time.
Another few minutes and it had passed. I could see a bit more, and I could talk again, albeit on a slight delay. But I couldn't keep my eyes open for the exhaustion.
It's scary. To be left unable to look after my kids, or even call for help, just can't happen.

I've suffered from migraines most of my life, but they're becoming more and more severe. I knew I had to mention it, and tried doing so in passing, but my doctor was having none of that - and I left with a referral to a neurologist. That scares the hell out of me. I'm feeling pretty shaken.

Where's that strength?

I'm realising that sometimes as a parent I feel like I have nothing left to give. I've tried my best, spent so long putting myself aside to put them first - and yet I have to find something in me to push through it. That's the strength I need to find.

And I'm getting some pretty dire health warnings about never putting myself first. Let's add 'looking after myself - like, REALLY looking after myself' to the list for this year, hey?



10 comments:

  1. Oh Megan. Please look after you. Easier said than done. But please? Xxxxx

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  2. Oh! Scary stuff :( Sorry to hear you're going through this. Thankyou for mentioning it to the GP. Thankyou for mentioning it to us, so we have the opportunity to offer you support. I'm sure everything will work out in the end, but you're right, you do need to take very good care of yourself. Lots of love and let me know if I can do anything to help. x

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  3. Terrifying! You've done the right thing by getting it checked out though, good luck. And I'm glad you've taken the hint about looking after yourself - for the sake of yourself AND your family!
    Jess

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  4. That's a migraine?
    Don't want to scare you, but it sounds more like a mini stroke. I'm glad your doctor is insisting on a neurologist exam.

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  5. I'm glad you mentioned it to your GP and that he took it seriously! That must have been terrifying. Sending you strength, courage and good thoughts. When do you see the neuro? Has that happened before when you've had migraines? Lots of love Megan xo

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  6. Wow. Megan. That would be so scary! Yep way better to get it checked out. Funny I was just reading this and sounds similar but more extreme to you http://www.fff.net.au/the-naked-post/ self first Megan. P xxx

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  7. Oh Megan ... So many of us do put our kids first. As the saying goes though, "If we don't look after ourselves, who will look after our children?" And, here I am preaching to you ... today I had a "had to stop and sit down" moment myself, thankfully nothing as scary as your experience, but a warning just the same. AND THEN, I find this post! I am off to the Dr too and I encourage you to do what you need to in making sure you get the nurturing you require also ... xo

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  8. Oh Megan how awful! Yes, looking after yourself is to be a main priority for you - else how can you be the most amazing mummy ever if your health is a low priority? Listen to that body of yours and take good care. Much love to you x

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  9. Remember the airplane rule, Megan. Remember the rule. x

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  10. I too have suffered from migraines all my life. I was a teacher and spent a lot of time standing in the grass just outside my door throwing up.
    GO TO THE NEUROLOGIST. Most GP can't really handle bad migraines like yours. The only reason I couldn't talk sometimes was because my throat would constrict.

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