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| Me and my girls |
When I wrote a little while back about how I sometimes want to drop everything and run off on crazy adventures with my family, lots of you spoke to me about stability. You're absolutely right - it's so important for children to have a stable upbringing - but it's something I'd never given much thought to.
Stability is something that's always been in my life so I guess I've just taken it for granted. Since that post I've thought about it a lot, and wanted to delve into the topic a bit more.
To me, giving my girls a stable childhood means three things:
People. It's the old cliche, "Home is where the heart is" and I really believe that the ultimate form of a stable childhood is to be with your family. Nothing else matters in comparison, etc. - except that it isn't quite as simple as that. When you think about it you realise that the older you get the more you rely on a larger community. To put it in personal terms, my baby Iris would come anywhere with us with only the expectation that I am there. Abbey on the other hand, would be devastated to go extended periods without seeing her grandparents, aunties, cousins and friends. They have become her support network, and seeing the same people regularly is a form of stability for her.
Routine or structure. People are often surprised that someone as organised as me can be so bad with routine. I just get a bit bored with it - we'll set a bedtime routine for the kids, for example, and by the third night we'll either forget about it or feel the need to mix it up a bit. It's not all bad, though - this has tended to make our girls flexible in life. But then I think this is just a small part of the idea of routine, and the bigger picture is that our girls know roughly what each week and each day will look like. There is the certainty that there will always be time for playing, time to help around the house, time for sleep and time for a couple of set activities. Routine doesn't have to mean doing the same things at the same times; it's really about feeling certain that everything is okay.
Place. One of the things about a new place is it brings all the other components into play: a change of place means different people and new routines. Still, there's something about a place that gives it its own merit in the stability equation. Familiar surroundings bring comfort and ease, and although logically it seems to me that place is the least important aspect of stability, my heart - and the fact we've always lived in the same area - tells me otherwise.
I always want my girls to feel comfortable and confident in the life we're giving them - and I like to think that most of those ingredients will always be there for them. Stability really is important.
And so too are flexibility and a sense of adventure... and they won't be in short supply either!
I'd love to know: what does stability mean to you?
I think you have done well to identify those three elements: people, routine and place. I think they work together to provide stability—which in my head I relabel as security.
ReplyDeleteI also think that these elements can cover for each another, so that when you drop everything and run off on crazy adventures with your family, you would be sacrificing stable-place for adventure and be wise to ramp up the attention to relationships and routines. I see the potential for this counter-balance to promote security.
That feels a bit completely made up off the top of my head, but also feels like a schema I use in smaller daily adventures. Strange people, strange places and no routine is the nightmare scenario and we're not going there for a while yet.
I agree with your first two points wholeheartedly. Children need to be closely surrounded by familiarity of family and routine/structure.
ReplyDeleteSome might say that stability requires a familiar place all the time, but I also think as long as the two points above are taken care of it is less important.
When I was a child we moved about 20 times, albeit around the same area but I loved it. I always felt safe and at home because I had my family and routine.
I also know people who moved and travelled for much of their childhood and they are some of the happiest and grounded people I know.
I love the idea that routine is less about doing the exact same thing as providing the sense that everything is ok - that is by far more important!
ReplyDeleteI think a really important part of stability for kids is to (if at all possible) display a great relationship with their other parent. For me this means trying my best to be kind and respectful to my husband, particularly in front of the girls, and if something negative needs to be discussed try to bring it up later when they're not around. They don't need to be involved in our adult stress or tension.
I don't know... As you're probably aware, we've travelled a bit and this hasn't changed since we've had kids. Both my Mr and I grew up away from our extended families and I've often wondered if that's why we've been so keen/receptive to moving/travelling/expatting. While I think family is important, I think that you find 'family' wherever you go. I know my eldest doesn't love travelling on short trips but she loves living in Dili - mention a short trip anywhere and she hates the idea. I'm yet to see how Harrie goes. I just hope that the kids have great memories of growing up here (as their father does of his youth spent in Asia) and I hope it makes them realise that nothing is impossible, that you can still be close to people you don't see every day, and that the world is their oyster, so to speak.
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